Tuesday, June 4, 2019

IWSG: Food For Thought on Cheating Husbands


It's time for another edition of the  Insecure Writer's Support Group Be sure to visit Alex J. Cavanaugh  and the rest of the talented bloggers who are always willing to lend a helping hand.

                         IWSG: Food For Thought on Cheating Husbands

Nah, he wouldn't...would he?
While switching TV channels awaiting my dialysis treatment, my husband came across an episode about a suspected cheating husband with a twist on the Maury Show. She claimed he was having an affair with another woman while she was undergoing dialysis.

My husband and I had a good laugh, though this was entirely possible, as my appointments lasted about three and a half hours. When it came time for the suspected husband to take a lie detector test, some of the staff at the clinic also joined in on the fun. According to the show, he passed the test with flying colors.

Once I was all settled in, my husband left to run errands. As always, he returned to the clinic about two and a half hours later. His timing was perfect, as my doctor was making rounds. She was about to move on to another patient when she noticed my husband walking toward us.

My doctor couldn’t stop talking about how good my husband looked. He had lost about 10 pounds and she wanted to know if he lifted weights and what else he did to get in such great shape. I didn’t find it the slightest bit odd that her conversation with my husband who made the ultimate sacrifice of cutting down to three meals a day lasted longer than my exam.

On the way home, we made a quick stop at the grocery store. In the checkout line, the woman who was bagging the groceries turned to my husband and said, “Do you want paper or plastic, honey?”

Then I realized that I couldn’t leave my husband alone for a second. Terrible thoughts started racing through my head. I remembered my mom telling me how her unsuspecting friend couldn’t understand how her husband kept losing his underwear. They divorced a year later.

As soon as we got home,  I rifled through my husband’s underwear drawer and every pair was accounted for. I smiled when I realized it was too comfortably worn out to attract anyone without cataracts.

Unfortunately, my relief was short-lived when he brought up that Macy’s was having a sale on men's underwear for Father’s Day and wanted to stock up since he went down a size. Suddenly my life was turning into the Maury Show and I didn’t know what to do.

The next morning my husband was nowhere to be found. I saw our car was still in the parking lot, so I figured he went for a walk. But what if he merely walked to another floor in our apartment building? Our building is swarming with single women. Though he can barely see or hear, he still drives at night and is pretty handy around the house.

I was so distraught that I quickly fell back asleep. An hour later I awoke to the aroma of my favorite brunch - scrambled eggs with mushrooms and garlic. While Hubby was busy cooking, he explained that he just returned from an invigorating walk to the beach. He even picked up fresh bagels on his way home.

Within minutes, I decided that it was pointless to have my husband submit to a lie detector test, as no matter where he'd been, he still came home to cook for me. I know I got the better end of the deal for which I'm very grateful.

But if he does decide to get friendly with the flirtatious divorcee down the hall, I won't stand in his way. Rumor has it, our new neighbor ordered a deluxe gas grill and doesn't know the first thing about barbecuing. Did I mention that my husband is known for his legendary grilled London broil and skirt steaks? Sadly, he hung up his tongs when we moved.

Remarkably, our new neighbor's days off coincide with my treatments, and I always have an insatiable appetite after dialysis. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

IWSG: Hubby's Selective Hearing Powers


It's time for another edition of the  Insecure Writer's Support Group Be sure to visit Alex J. Cavanaugh  and the rest of the talented bloggers who are always willing to lend a helping hand.

                             Hubby's Selective Hearing Powers

My husband and I had to make some adjustments almost two years ago when we moved  from our two-story family home to a small apartment. But I thought our close surroundings would make it easier for us to communicate.

Though I have the uncanny ability to be able to lie in bed and hear my husband enjoying a grape in the kitchen, he often doesn't hear me even when I'm standing right next to him. He has no desire to try a hearing aid, and often blames me for mumbling. Afterward when I intentionally mumble an unkind word or two about him, he has no trouble hearing that.

Fast forward to our Passover Seder on April 19th. My aunt and uncle hosted the holiday and generously asked my husband to lead the Seder. In all fairness, my husband was a huge help for the holidays. Not only did he do all of the shopping in preparation, but he even made the Charoset for the Seder plate.  

Charoset is made from chopped nuts, grated apples, cinnamon and sweet red wine. It represents the mortar used by the Hebrew slaves to build the pyramids of Egypt.

My brother always volunteers to be in charge of the seating chart, and somehow he never fails to be surrounded by the same people on any given occasion. For example, whether it's my birthday or Mother's Day, you can always find him seated in between his biggest fans, my two sons. 

Since I was not the official host of this holiday dinner, my brother followed my aunt's lead. However, once his nephews took their seats he quickly positioned himself next to them. Meanwhile, my husband and I were seated at the opposite end of the table with the other grownups.

At one point there were three distinct conversations going on simultaneously at the dinner table. Though I was seated at elbow's length from my husband, for some reason he didn't seem to hear me when I asked him to pass a heavy platter. Yet, he had no trouble hearing the conversation between my brother and son from clear across the table.

I tried asking again. This proved to be a waste of time, as my brother added a hilarious punchline to my son's story and now my husband was drowning in laughter. Of course the middle of the table had no idea what he was laughing at. 

I couldn't take it anymore. Here I had done a lot of the cooking and I was asking for very little in return. Finally, I looked directly at my husband and bellowed, "What am I, chopped liver?" 

Then he passed me the chopped liver. Unfortunately, we were eating dessert at the time.

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

IWSG: How a Routine Dental Exam Led to Hoof & Mouth Disease


It's time for another edition of the  Insecure Writer's Support Group Be sure to visit Alex J. Cavanaugh  and the rest of the talented bloggers who are always willing to lend a helping hand.

                   How a Routine Dental Exam Led to Hoof & Mouth Disease

I was looking forward to a thorough teeth cleaning, when the dental hygienist caught me off guard. After she prepped me with an oversize bib and goggles; likening the contents of my mouth to a crime scene, she paused to ask me a very inappropriate question:

"Didn't you used to have a serious illness?"

I told her that I still have a serious illness.

Then she said, "Oh, well I remember you lost a lot of weight, but it looks like you gained it all back."

When I explained that I probably lost about 10 pounds and gained five back, she covered by adding that I looked much healthier now.

Thank goodness I floss religiously, or she would've let me know how she really felt.

Needless to say I was not pleased. I wanted to tell her off, but I was too busy rinsing and spitting.

The next day I relayed the story to someone on the dialysis staff.

She thought for a moment before asking, "So you get weighed when you go to the dentist's office?"

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

IWSG: Missing Mom


It's time for another edition of the  Insecure Writer's Support Group Be sure to visit Alex J. Cavanaugh  and the rest of the talented bloggers who are always willing to lend a helping hand.

                                                    Missing Mom    


(Mom and her boys in 2013)

When people ask how I'm doing, I usually respond that I'm sad but okay. Though I lost my mom in January, waves of sadness often come over me even in the most unlikely places. For example, I recently had a small breakdown at a car dealership.

It happened when we got a great deal on a new car that I know my mom would've approved of. It's a pretty shade of blue with chrome accents, as opposed to our last car that blended into every parking lot. But Mom described our old car best. She said, "It's perfect for a retired school teacher."

Because we have such a small family, we had a private graveside funeral, which was not ideal for the frigid and icy Chicago weather. That evening we held a shiva and memorial service where my brother, my two sons and I honored our mom and "Nana" with heartfelt eulogies.

My brother and the boys did a wonderful job and everyone seemed deeply moved. Our friends and family came together to help with the shiva, but someone whom I considered a close friend since our college days, was noticeably absent.

The day after my mom passed away, I phoned my friend, let's call her "Jess." She knew Mom was in hospice through a series of phone conversations and texts. Though she only lives about 20 minutes away, I haven't seen Jess since her daughter's wedding last March.

Jess expressed her condolences and generously offered to help with the shiva. Since we were just having a small gathering, I wanted to handle everything myself. I explained that I was still getting estimates on fish and meat trays. Then she offered some suggestions and offered to call places for me. I thanked her, but reiterated that I would take care of it myself.  

She kept insisting on helping me, so I suggested doing what I did for her mom's shiva the year before. After offering to send dinner to her family before the funeral and offering to bring something to the shiva after the funeral, her cousin (aka contact person) said that everything was already ordered. So I offered to make a contribution and brought a check.

For some reason, Jess took offense to this. It didn't seem right to her that I hadn't assigned a contact person, and Jess did not want to hand me a check.

In many instances, women have groups of friends handle shivas like assembly lines where one person orders the food, another collects donations from friends and family, and two or three friends set everything up before the family arrives. 

Soon some of my brother's friends also generously offered to contribute, so I asked my oldest and dearest friend Lana (name also protected) to be my contact person.

I texted Jess the next day with Lana's digits. Little did I know that trouble was about to ensue.

The day before my mom's funeral, I could sense that Lana was upset, but she wouldn't tell me why. After much prodding, she said that Jess accidentally sent her the worst text that she's ever seen. I don't know who the text was originally intended for, but Lana was referred to as a harsh expletive. Jess  added that Lana treated her like a "second class citizen" by declining her offer to help set up my mom's shiva. 

Lana was merely following my request, as it was held in the entertainment room in our apartment building which has a very small kitchen. My hubby helped me set up as much as we could the night before and Lana helped me set up and clean up on the day of.  My brother's friends were the coffee co-chairs, so there wasn't enough room for anyone else. If only Jess had reasonably expressed her concerns to me, instead of going on the warpath with an innocent messenger.

After receiving the disturbing text, Lana tried contacting Jess. Finally, Jess told her that she sent her the text by mistake and would send the check to me in the mail.

I couldn't sit by and let her treat Lana this way, but I needed to cool off first. Though my brother convinced me to send a kinder, gentler text, my first instinct was to consult my mom. Mom had the ability to handle any given situation and was always the voice of reason.

Later, I texted Jess at dialysis explaining that I heard the news while I was crying and writing Mom's eulogy. I told her that a few days earlier, my mom was unresponsive until Lana came to visit her. My brother was deeply moved when he returned to my mom's room to find her and Lana holding hands and singing songs. Before Lana left, Mom even told Lana she loved her.

I asked Jess not to contribute to the shiva and not to bother showing up, unless she sent Lana a "sincere" apology. I did not want to have any extra aggravation on the worst day of my life. I added that Lana is my oldest and dearest friend, who has been there for me and my family for more than 50 years.

Shortly thereafter, I received a text from Jess saying that she was glad that we saw her original text, because it expressed her "true feelings." She would not apologize for being treated like a "second class citizen," and she knows what it's like to have the "worst day of her life," so she would not be attending the shiva. Jess made it sound like a competition and I clearly chose Lana over her. She wished me and my family well and I never heard from her again. But she still had to send the last word to Lana.

The morning of the funeral. she told Lana she knew she'd show me the text. Jess also wanted to stir things up by adding that Lana's been on my "naughty list" a few times.

How stupid of me not to have realized that my mom's funeral was all about Jess.

Lana continued to apologize profusely for telling me about her confrontation with Jess and I told her that I would've never wanted her there knowing how badly she treated my best friend, and if she was bad mouthing Lana, I could only imagine what she was saying about me.

Lana went above and beyond to help me before, during and after my mom's funeral, and though she and my mom often joked about it, my mom really did think of her as a second daughter. We were also touched that many of Lana's family members also came to pay their respects, in addition to making a generous contribution to the Shiva. 

I really don't feel comfortable asking for anything, though my husband would be inclined to disagree. But I was pleasantly surprised when friends and family members generously offered to bring specific things like desserts, candy or fruit. I was also pleased to see cousins that we hadn't seen in years. Just making a condolence call is a gift in itself.

I also received an unexpected gift when I broke the news of Mom's passing to one of my oldest friends, who inspired me to write the ending of my eulogy. She said it was no coincidence that my mom died the same week as Carol Channing and like the Broadway legend, my mom had her own unique style and was "so cool."

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

IWSG: In Appreciation of Mom



It's time for the first 2019 edition of the  Insecure Writer's Support Group Be sure to visit Alex J. Cavanaugh  and the rest of the talented bloggers who are always willing to lend a helping hand.

                                            In Appreciation of Mom


As I sat by my mom's bedside, I told her how she helped me in ways she hadn't realized.  I explained that it wasn't until I started writing about her humorous adventures that I developed a small but loyal following of bloggers which led to giving me the confidence to put together the anthology, Old Broads Waxing Poetic with Susan Flett Swiderski and a host of gifted writers/poets.

A few years later, I accumulated enough diverse stories to include in a modest portfolio, thus enabling me to get hired as a reporter for a local news website and newspaper - my dream job. But none of this would've been possible without my mom's help.

After I thanked her, Mom replied, "And in all that time I was never a burden."

And my mom kept her word. Even after she endured endless pain from spinal fusion surgery about 10 years ago, I was the cause of my mom's only complaint.

She lived in the multi-level home that my brother and I grew up in, while our home had a first floor bedroom and bathroom, So I insisted that she move in with us for almost a year. But my mom wanted to live on the edge instead of being in my overprotective custody.

She said, "I can't live with you, because you're too nervous that I'll fall every minute. How am I supposed to have any fun?" Mom was about 74 at the time.

Mom's health took a turn for the worse a few months ago. Some of her symptoms included: pneumonia, low hemoglobin which required a blood transfusion, and loss of appetite. She also has Parkinson's Disease.

She was admitted to the hospital on November 18th, but discharged after a few days against our wishes. Though at first she seemed to be doing better, on the day before Thanksgiving she was very weak and didn't recognize my brother. She also was barely eating.

My brother pleaded with the head hospitalist, head nurse and head of patient care to let her stay in the hospital and have more tests to find out why her health wasn't improving, but they insisted on discharging her.

Unfortunately, these strangers who had never met my mom before told him that she had dementia and there was nothing more that they could do for her. He tried to explain that she had all of her faculties before she had taken ill, but they wouldn't listen.

Nine days later  my brother and I agreed to have Mom readmitted to the hospital where she was diagnosed with a collapsed lung and stage 4 lung cancer. Apparently, the hospital hadn't done a CT scan during her prior visit.

She is now in hospice at the nursing home where she's resided for the last three years.Though my mom lost her ability to walk years ago, she never lost her  positive outlook. True to form, she is handling her recent prognosis with grace and dignity.

When I told her she doesn't have to be so brave, she explained that she's grateful to have lived a long life.

My brother and I have tried to spend as much time with our mom as possible. He has been a tremendous help to both of us. Though I tell him not to, he often visits me at the dialysis clinic before heading over to Mom's.

I'm also grateful to my husband and our boys. While my mom was in and out of the hospital, I never once had to ask our grown sons to visit her. They continue to see their beloved Nana frequently which is her greatest joy.

My mom has good days and bad days, but through it all she has never lost her sense of humor. Recently, when my brother asked her to tell me where she'd like to go, she thought for a minute and said, "To the mortician."

But she had talked about wanting to attend the Academy Awards. She always enjoyed the glitz and glamour and would've easily fit in during her heyday.

The other day, Mom noticed that my concealer wasn't blended in properly under my left eye and wanted to fix it. She couldn't believe that I didn't have an emergency supply of Q-tips with me, so she decided to make her own by attaching a cotton ball to a pen. So what if I risked getting poked in the eye, as it was more important to look good than to feel good.

This experience has definitely brought us all closer. My brother and I have spent many nights with our mom, reminiscing, singing her favorite songs and telling her how much we love her.

Growing up we fought about sitting next to our mom on the couch while watching our favorite TV shows. Ever the genius, my brother would always find ways to trick me into leaving the room, so he could steal my seat.

Now we politely take turns sitting next to our mom. Though on some days, Mom could barely speak above a whisper, she said she loves when we fuss over her.

On New Year's Eve, Mom's favorite nurse's aid announced she was going on vacation for a week.  We were all sad, because she's gone above and beyond for our mom and we think of her as a member of the family. Then she told me that my mom asked her to take care of me when she's gone.

In second grade we were asked to write about our best friend. While others were writing about their neighbors or classmates, I wrote about my mom.

I hope to continue writing about my courageous mom and all of her witticisms, Fortunately, she hasn't tried to throw me out of her room yet.


Tuesday, November 6, 2018

IWSG: #MeToo at The Movies?

It's time for another edition of the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Be sure to visit Alex J. Cavanaugh and the rest of the talented writers who are always willing to lend a helping hand.  

                     IWSG:  #MeToo at The Movies?

Many cinema classics are known for their romantic love scenes. Everyone remembers when the masculine Rhett Butler (Clark Gable) first kissed selfish Scarlett O'hara (Vivien Leigh) in Gone With The Wind, as well as the iconic scene where Sergeant Milton Warden (Burt Lancaster) and army wife Karen Holmes (Deborah Kerr) were frolicking on a Oahu beach in From Here To Eternity.

But with everything surrounding the #MeToo movement, I wonder if screenwriters will take pause before the handsome leading man takes the lovely leading lady in his arms.

Below is an example of how a future love scene might go in keeping with recent happenings:

This scene takes place outside a New York brownstone apartment, as a young couple are giggling and running upstairs to seek shelter from the rain. Both the man and woman are dressed alike with short hair, black long sleeved t-shirts and black form-fitting pants, as they are equals in every way.

Woman: Would you like to come in for a drink?

Man: Yes, if it's not too much trouble.

They enter the apartment and he sits on the couch while she pours two glasses of wine in the kitchen. Then she brings the glasses into the living room.

Man: Oh, you already poured the drinks?

Woman: Yes, why?

Man: Well, how do I know that you didn't slip anything into mine?

Woman: (sarcastically) So that I could take advantage of you?

Man: Just kidding.

She chooses to overlook his peculiar remark and they toast to getting to know each other better.

After a few more drinks, they look into each other's eyes and move closer.

Man: Is it all right if I kiss you?

The woman leans in.

Man: I want to hear the words.

Woman: Yes, it's all right to kiss me.

They kiss awkwardly and the man jumps up. He pulls something out of his pocket and hands it to her.

She reads it and a strange look comes over her face. 

Woman: Is this some kind of a joke?

Man: No, it's a perfectly legit list of all of the things that we'll likely be doing tonight and hopefully tomorrow morning. Just initial all of the items front and back. Then sign and date at the bottom. Oh, and you also have to include a separate signature for item #103 that states you will not change your mind about consenting 30 years from now. You know, in case I make it big.

Woman: But you play the kazoo in the subway.

Man: Yeah, but I could get discovered any day now.

Woman: What's this part in the contract about size?

Man: Size doesn't matter and it should never matter or be discussed. Just date and initial that too. Which reminds me that as a safety measure, all cellular devices, cameras, and lights should be turned off throughout my stay.

Woman: I don't think you need to worry about that last part or any of this ridiculous contract, as I'm not going to sign anything.

Man: (points to his short and pudgy looking self) Well, then you're not going to have any of this.

Woman: GET OUT!

Man: Calm down. I'm not the enemy here. I did this for you.

Woman: What are you talking about? We just met at a bar across the street about an hour ago.

Man: Well, you're the first woman I've given the contract to. I had my friend who's studying pre-law draw it up on account of the #MeToo movement.

Woman: This has nothing to do with #MeToo.

Man: But, the President said men have to be more careful now. This protects us both from making any mistakes now or in the future.

Woman: The President says and does a lot of things that are just wrong. #MeToo is about women standing together to make sure that men don't take advantage of them in the workplace or anyplace else. The message is simple, "No means no."

Man: So I guess I'll just rip up the contract then.

Woman: Better yet, take it home, so you could shred it and recycle it. Bye bye now! (Before she  completely closes the door, he sticks his head back in.)

Man: Do you have any single friends?

End scene.


Tuesday, October 2, 2018

IWSG: Oh Brother & Apology from a Bad Blogger


It's time for another edition of the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Be sure to visit Alex J. Cavanaugh and the rest of the talented writers who are always willing to lend a helping hand.  

                            Oh Brother & Apology from a Bad Blogger

I am grateful to all of the supportive bloggers throughout the years and apologize for not doing a better job of returning the favor. Though I have been experiencing computer issues over the last few months, I have also been trying to adjust to my new role as a professional patient.

I finally took my son's advice to increase my chances of a getting a new kidney by going out of state. I'm currently on a kidney transplant waiting list for a hereditary condition known as Polycystic Kidney Disease (PKD). The waiting list in Illinois is estimated between five and seven years, so my husband drove me to a hospital in another nearby state for an evaluation.

We were both impressed with the transplant team's thoroughness. Before the visit I had to have several tests to rule out everything from heart disease and cancer to a special evaluation from my dentist. After the visit I had to follow up with more tests. 

I wanted to get everything over with, so last week I saw doctors Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and underwent dialysis treatments Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Hence, I became a professional patient. Fortunately, the tests all came back negative. 

My brother had a kidney transplant more than 13 years ago. After I began dialysis this year he has been working tirelessly talking to politicians, clergy and other local leaders to get the word out on the importance of becoming an organ donor. 

Many countries have "opt-out" policies where citizens are automatically organ donors and those who wish not to have to sign forms to opt-out. He has been on a mission to have this system incorporated in the U.S. but has been met with little support.

Many people are falsely under the impression that their religion forbids organ donation, the state will control their bodies, or an emergency room doctor will declare them prematurely dead in order to use their organs for a friend or family member. 

There's a shortage of organ donors and one donor can save up to eight lives. The need to educate and correct misinformation is vital to increasing the number of donors.

What I've found most therapeutic is the ability to laugh about my experiences. On long days of dialysis, my brother never fails to lift my spirits; although our dark conversations are not for everyone. 

I'll tell him that on the positive side if I'm diagnosed with a more devastating disease, it gives me comfort in knowing that I can stop going to dialysis. And he'll tell me that if the doctors ever say he's contracted an incurable disease and only has a few months to live, he'll travel all around the world. 

Then I'll say, "What if the doctors are wrong and after spending all of your money you find out that you have years to live?"

Of course my brother is saddened by this possibility and tells me that I have ruined his pipe dream.

Meanwhile, the 87-year-old patient to my left and 95-year-old patient to my right just look at us like we're crazy.

In addition to cheering me up, when my brother noticed that another patient was waiting a long time for a ride home, he personally drove him home several times.

This patient spoke little English, so my brother later followed up with our doctor who changed his dialysis schedule to accommodate his transportation needs. Our doctor is always thrilled to see my brother and treats him like family.

Remarkably, my brother still remains humble though he is treated like a rock star at the dialysis center, as well as our mom's nursing home.

I guess things haven't changed that much since I was a little girl and every night at bedtime I would yell downstairs to my parents, "Sorry for being so bad," and my brother would add, "And I too would like to apologize for being so good."