The Rear Necessities

Dear Diary,

It's 4 am and I can't sleep. I can't even blame my husband, because he isn't snoring. My younger son hasn't come home yet, but that's not the only reason I'm still up. A few hours ago I was terrified to find out that we're almost out of toilet paper. Our last mega roll is down to mere squares and it's tearing me apart.

How could I have ignored all of the warning signs? I knew that we were low, but I always thought we'd have more time. The other day I noticed that the downstairs roll was sparse, but I still forgot to buy more at the store. The last resort was entering my boys' bathroom, but at what cost?

Kleenex is not an option, as our drainpipe is über sensitive. Even 3-ply toilet paper disrupts it's delicate system. All of this tossing and turning is forcing me to use up our meager ration. Thank goodness we still have a surplus of chocolate in the house, but the wrappers will only clog up the crapper.

The strange thing is that if someone rang my doorbell offering a lifetime supply of double rolls I would check the fine print to make sure it was 2-ply. Some name brands try to lure you with great deals on mega rolls that are only 1-ply. I was fooled once by this psychotic scheme, though the repercussions were not absorbent.

It 's 4:45 and my son still isn't home yet. Images start racing through my head about all the wild things he could be doing in the wee hours. Oh no, now the supply is further dwindling. Fortunately, the police aren't banging on my door, because my boy was caught teepeeing the neighbor's yard.