Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Rear Necessities

Dear Diary,

It's 4 am and I can't sleep. I can't even blame my husband, because he isn't snoring. My younger son hasn't come home yet, but that's not the only reason I'm still up. A few hours ago I was terrified to find out that we're almost out of toilet paper. Our last mega roll is down to mere squares and it's tearing me apart.

How could I have ignored all of the warning signs? I knew that we were low, but I always thought we'd have more time. The other day I noticed that the downstairs roll was sparse, but I still forgot to buy more at the store. The last resort was entering my boys' bathroom, but at what cost?

Kleenex is not an option, as our drainpipe is über sensitive. Even 3-ply toilet paper disrupts it's delicate system. All of this tossing and turning is forcing me to use up our meager ration. Thank goodness we still have a surplus of chocolate in the house, but the wrappers will only clog up the crapper.

The strange thing is that if someone rang my doorbell offering a lifetime supply of double rolls I would check the fine print to make sure it was 2-ply. Some name brands try to lure you with great deals on mega rolls that are only 1-ply. I was fooled once by this psychotic scheme, though the repercussions were not absorbent.

It 's 4:45 and my son still isn't home yet. Images start racing through my head about all the wild things he could be doing in the wee hours. Oh no, now the supply is further dwindling. Fortunately, the police aren't banging on my door, because my boy was caught teepeeing the neighbor's yard.

40 comments:

  1. Maybe he's out there searching for an open convenience store in which to restore your dwindling supply.

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  2. Hahaha. I've felt that toilet paper anxiety before, though it's really my husband who has a meltdown if we get down to one roll.

    And we always "borrowed" our toilet paper from the movie theater my friend worked at when we went out to teepee the neighbor's house. :PP

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  3. Paper towels are no substitute! Hope your son came home all right.

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  4. I'm laughing because I've been there - on all counts!!

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  5. I feel your pain. With Kleenex or 1-ply, you run the real risk of a do-it-yourself prostate exam.
    And with chocolate wrappers, an embarrassing paper cut.
    Paper towels....? If you use 'Bounty,' (the quicker picker upper), you could suck your colon right out of your body (and who needs an exposed colon?).
    Stock up, Julie, stock up.

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  6. Oh my. I have a new respect for my husband who never lets the supply get low.

    Delegate, girl!

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  7. This is the third blog I've read today from someone who's having trouble sleeping but your insomnia is understandable. I'm so obsessed with not running out of toilet paper that I have a cupboard full of them, but even more worrying of course is a son who isn't yet home in the small hours. Hope he's home safe and sound.

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  8. Many, many years ago when my youngest son was about 6 yrs there was a shortage of toilet paper in the shops. Heaven knows what reason but all the same there was. John my son announced he was going to the toilet I ran after him and said he was to use both sides,some minutes later I realised he would believe anything and banged on the door to tell him I was joking......to my horror too late.
    Yvonne.

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  9. So funny! Once we ran out of diapers when my husband was at the mechanic with my car. I kept putting little underwear on my little guy, and he kept peeing them.

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  10. I too was up at 4:45 waiting for a boy too...except in this case it was our five day old foster son and he just wouldn't finish his little bottle! Boys. They never grow up!

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  11. Delores - I like your version!

    L.G. - I understand your husband's pain. By only "borrowing" it, you were a real leader in recycling!

    Alex - I was house manager of my sorority, and I had to stand up at a chapter meeting to explain the consequences of flushing down paper towels. It was one of my finer moments.

    Mary - Glad you could relate to this!

    Al - Have you seen pictures of my colon? I hope they weren't exposed! I will stock up! Thanks Al!

    Rosalind - I'd love to see your cupboard! My son usually comes home during pre-dawn hours, but I've never faced a TP crisis like this before!

    Elaine - I did ask my husband to pick up some earlier in the day, but he claimed that he didn't hear me. I will have to document all future correspondence.

    Yvonne - What a great story, but you probably didn't appreciate it at the time! Thanks Yvonne!

    Tonja - I'll bet that never happened again!

    Ron - You're such a good dad! Thanks for following me! Julie

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  12. I'm laughing! Thanks for the great start to my day. The next time I'm low on the right TP, I'm calling you up.

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  13. So - it is not just the Engish who do toilet humour.Thanks for your comical post. In France the run on my sewer is about 2 inches over about 60 feet. English luxury quilted 5 ply finger proof means instant blockage.

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  14. I do what I can.
    And... Emma? I love toilet humor. It gives me something write about while I "go."

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  15. English luxury quilted 5 ply....?
    Are you sure that's not the carpet?

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  16. Lee - I'll try my best to help talk you through it! Thanks Lee!

    Emma - I guess things could always be worse. A friend of mine once found a mouse in her toilet. We just have to be extra careful and take things one square at a time! Thanks Emma! Julie

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  17. They have toilet paper in the mental ward!

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    1. I'll willingly admit myself if it's 2-ply!

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  18. And please tell us your son is fine.

    This was very humorous and well written, Julie. Extra kudos for your use of "absorbent". Nice! I'm so paranoid about running out of toilet paper that I restock when I still have several rolls left. But I've got nobody else in my life using up the toilet paper, so it's easy to manage the issue.

    xoRobyn

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    1. Robyn, Once my boys started college curfews were out the window. I'm used to waiting up for them, and only mentioned it to stress the absurdity of the situation.

      No wonder Alex gave you the Great Comments Award! Thanks for turning this lemon into the tangiest lemonade! P.S. I'm tougher than you think. I'm pretty sure a close relative wrote the mental ward comment!

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  19. It's the simple things like toilet paper that really show a person's true colors. I'm a fan of the soft and plush, that 1-ply stuff chafes my hide, literally.

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    1. It's nice to get a medical professional's input on this. A "chafing hide" doesn't sit well with me either! Thanks Julie!

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  20. The supply stays very high in my house.

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  21. Hahaha. I love the title of this, so clever! Very funny as always, Julie. Have a great weekend! :)

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  23. How do you come up with such fabulous blog post titles... not to mention topics? :) Love! And I can certainly identify with not sleeping.

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    1. This shows what sleep deprivation does to your mind! Hopefully, you'll be able to get some help soon, before your next novel is about a mixed marriage between a 3-ply socialite, and a 1-ply working class stiff, literally. Thanks so much Talli!

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  24. The Rear Necessities ... very funny indeed. Thanks for the story. I needed a good chuckle.

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    1. Thanks Stephen! You're off to a great start this year, as your book cover for Opening looks amazing, and you'll be co-hosting A to Z again! Best of luck with everything! Julie

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  25. OMGoodness! You made me laugh! Thank you! What a wonderful post :)

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  26. So you weren't kidding about our shared obsession with the squares. And yes, two-ply is a must.
    Great post. Loved the ending.

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  27. Oh Susanna, you say the nicest things! I'm looking forward to your new feauture!

    RR - I would never kid about such delicate matters! Thanks, and I really enjoyed your post too! Julie

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  28. Ha ha ha! And I thought I was the only one to have this irrational fear! Too funny, Julie! And very clever!

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    1. Thanks Nancy, and I'm so happy you received good news!

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  29. Hi Julie .. well at least I can comment - even if I have to change browsers .. after you've installed the embedded comment 2 tier system - other blogs it freezes me out after I've changed browsers to comment.

    I'm getting a wee low on the said papier .. and it's on my non absorbent shopping papare list!

    Hope he got home .. they don't start partying til after 1.00am .. so 4.00am would be early!

    Hope all's well though .. cheers Hilary

    PS hope it posts now ....

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  30. Hi Hilary, I've been having problems with comments freezing up too, especially on the iPad. The 2 tier system appeared automatically, and I'm still getting used to it. Sorry it's so difficult for you to comment here, but I can't stress enough how much I appreciate your efforts. Oh and you're so right about 4 am being early for kids in their 20's! Julie

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