Keeping Up With The Geriadashians

(The Abbey Delray Tappers from The Palm Beach Post)

Now that the networks are showing previews of  the upcoming fall lineup, I thought it would be fun to create a new reality show for seniors. It's centered around three women who struggle to maintain their independence in an assisted living community. The series begins when the newest member is dropped off kicking and screaming, as her children drive off. 

After the new kid on the block calms down, she is escorted to dinner by the eyes and the ears of the joint directly to The Warden's table. Peeps is The Warden's right hand woman who scouts out the new girls who have the potential to be in their powerful inner circle. The Warden has been in charge for a few years now, and is sharp as a tack at ninety-two. Her eighty-nine year old sidekick Peeps aims to please, drives within a five mile radius in the daylight, and has excellent hearing and vision skills. The newcomer quickly realizes that ninety is the new sixty at this residence.

The Warden nicknames her "The Kid," because she is the youngest at seventy-seven, and she shines as bright as her red hair.  She's savvy enough to nibble at her dessert, leaving an extra bite or two. This puts her in The Warden's good graces, so that she'll be invited to another dinner at the "cool table."

Like other reality shows, they'll be plenty of backstabbing, and catchy lingo. Instead of "GTL" standing for "Gym, Tan, and Laundry" on Jersey Shore, our stars will create a whole new meaning. In conversations with their children "GTL" will stand for Guilt, Taunt and Lie To.

Another craze that I'm hoping to inspire is a new drinking game. Each time one of the character's proclaims to her family, "I don't want to be a burden," will be an opportunity to drink a shot. Hence, the kids and the ratings will soar together.

In keeping with the competition, part of the initiation into the seniorority will be special lightning rounds. For example, when a resident's daughter calls to ask if she needs anything the first response is, "Oh, no thank you. I don't want to be any trouble." After the daughter insists, the clock starts, and the resident has exactly one minute to rattle off as many items from various out of the way locations as possible. The winner will receive unlimited bathing assistance, and walker tune-ups for a month.

Viewers will also venture to exotic locations when a new character, The Faller is sent to different nursing homes for rehab. She charms the handsome paramedics into believing that she is steady on her feet, until they are summoned to pick her up again the next day. When she falls again in the nursing home, they outfit her with an alarm for her protection. This alerts the nurses every time she tries to stand up, or grab something that is not within reach. After her protests to be freed from "living like a caged animal" are not met, she finds a way to disconnect the alarm herself. Word travels to The Warden, and she is immediately promoted to an executive board position in the seniorority.
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© 2012 Julie Kemp Pick