Wednesday, November 2, 2016

IWSG: The Many Faces of Mom


Welcome to the November edition of  The Insecure Writer's Support Group. Be sure to visit Alex J. Cavanaugh and the other talented writers.

                                                           
Who is this woman?
   
The other day my husband came home from meeting a state representative who is running for re-election. My husband said he immediately liked him for his views, but was taken aback when he asked, "What keeps you up at night?"

I started laughing hysterically, because absolutely nothing keeps my husband up at night. He sleeps like a baby, while I toss and turn over the most ridiculous things. For example, the other night I kept thinking what if I die in my sleep and whoever finds me notices that I haven't shaved my legs since last Tuesday?

I also worry about my mom whose Parkinson's disease has been flaring up lately causing her to occasionally see imaginary friends in her room, and has grown considerably weaker. I went to visit her yesterday fearing what I might find.

Surprisingly, I found her laughing it up with the social worker. I almost joined in on the fun until I realized the jokes were at my expense. The social worker had laryngitis, so she was writing the questions on small boards and asked my mom to point to the corresponding multiple choice answers of a) never, b) sometimes, c) half of the time or d) all of the time. After my mom the comedienne answered c) half of the time to one of the questions they both broke into laughter, so I leaned in to hear my mom ask and answer her own question: "How often do you find your daughter annoying?"

She continued to provide zingers throughout the day, and at one point turned the conversation ominous when I dared to say no to one of her demands. "Haven't you figured out by now that once I decide I want something - I always find a way get it?"

Who was this mysterious woman? Then I found a loose earring in her drawer, and decided to put it in one of the compartments of her jewelry organizer. I was aghast at what I'd found - a brand spanking new large pair of sharp scissors. The last time she told me not to visit her unless I brought her scissors, so I showed up with an old pair of safety scissors and she still hasn't forgiven me.

Afterward, I told my brother about the contraband scissors. He said that was nothing compared to what he found in her sleeve the other day when he was searching the closet for her phone. Before I could muster the courage to ask, he told me that it was a kitchen knife. The woman could barely move, yet somehow she either works for the CIA or is a gangbanger.

Good thing the state rep. didn't ask me "What keeps you up at night?"



34 comments:

  1. Hi Julie - you do write the most amazing stories about your times with your Ma - I hope you're putting the others down for your grandchildren to laugh at later in life?! Yes - how does she do it? Do let us know! Cheers and am glad you're laughing ... that's what I did with my Ma - though she definitely was good with words and phrases I only occasionally had to deal with the sharp ones ... take care and enjoy these moments - however much you don't like them! They are good to read ... and you'll be laughing later - Hilary

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  2. Julie, thanks for the laughs!
    Such priceless moments...your mom is amazing!
    You need to capture all these stories and write that book...it could possibly be titled: A Peek Into The Life Of An Undercover Agent AKA Queen Of Zingers.
    Happy IWSG Day!

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  3. Yikes about your mom and the sharp objects. That's awesome how close you are to her.

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  4. I can see why you're worrying about your mum. Hope there's soon plenty of nice things for you to laugh about.

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  5. Your mother is hoarding weapons? Maybe you should do as she says...

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  6. My MIL used to hoard French pastries in her underwear drawer. By the time we found them they were as hard as rock. LOL. Thanks for the chuckles, Julie.

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  7. Goodness. Maybe she's gearing up for the Zombie Apocalypse. :P

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  8. Well, you've certainly put a humorous spin on a scary topic. That woman who's armed and dangerous is my mom!

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  9. Oh my. Scissors and knives--what next! Yes, thinking about that would keep me up at night too. I'm glad you can not only keep your sense of humor but can also share it with us.

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  10. I guess your mom wants you to get the point...hahahaha-my sad attempt at a pun. When my mom moved to long term care, we found many things she had "borrowed" from me from knives to jewelry to scissors. I had wondered what happened to many of these things. If my mom wanted something... she got it

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  11. GEM JULIE ~
    You did not -- I repeat, you DID NOT -- hear this from me... But I've got it from a reliable source that your Mom has an AK-47 strapped to her leg under the dress.

    Whatever she wants from now on, your response should be, "When, and how many?"

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  12. She's obviously very concerned about her own protection!

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  13. Hi Hilary! I was so happy to see her taking charge and acting like herself that I even ignored her devious ways! You and I are in agreement that laughing through this keeps us sane! Thanks Hilary!

    Michelle - Love the title! It would be fun to compile all of these stories into a book. Maybe someday.... Thanks Michelle!

    Natalie - I wish that I had time to see her more often. My mom's very entertaining as long as I never for one minute forget she's the boss! Thanks Natalie!

    Patsy - Where's the fun in laughing about nice things? We stepped over to the dark side years ago! Thanks Patsy!

    Alex - Before it was clothing from 1972 and now its weapons! You're right, it's safer to stay on her good side! Thanks for hosting another wonderful IWSG, Alex!

    Julie

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  14. Joylene - Sounds like a thrilling combination! It's funny, when I was going through my mom's drawers searching for her cell phone, I found a brownie stash from early October. Wasted brownies that I personally baked, made me more upset than her contraband weapons! Thanks for following me, Joylene!

    Chrys - Zombie Apocalypse? Those poor zombies wouldn't even know what hit them! Yes, even the zombies would be afraid of my mom if they dared to cross her! Thanks Chrys!

    Lee - What makes her even more dangerous is her extensive Mean Girl training from the retirement home that creates the illusion of being everyone's friend with an edge. It's a shame she never went into politics. Thanks Lee!

    Birgit - Good to see you Birgit! It's amazing how innocent they look on the outside, yet somehow they've taught themselves what they think they need to do to survive in the joint. Our moms would probably feel right at home on Orange Is The New Black! Thanks Birgit!

    Julie

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  15. Connie - The good news is that her scissors is so tightly tucked away (in an effort to hide them from me) that I'm hoping she'll never be able to pull them out of the case. If I tried to take them away from her, she'd probably find a larger weapon of mass destruction. Thanks for appreciating all of this craziness, Connie!

    Hi Stephen! "When and how many?" Those words are music to my mom's ears! I can't wait to hear what her new demands will be. Yesterday, I got in trouble for catching her food before it hit her lap. I guess I was pretty lucky that her AK 40 wasn't loaded at the time! Thanks for making my day, Stephen!

    Nick - Yes, and with good reason. She's one of the youngest people there, as the average age is around 90. So it's a rough group and a gal can't be too careful! Thanks Nick!

    Julie

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  16. Eek! At least you're not sleeping in the same house. I remember that post--about the scissors. It's so hard sometimes when they get older, trying to figure out how to let them keep their independence but also keeping them safe. My 98 yr old grandfather scares us to death by repairing his own roof. At 98. Oy!

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  17. Yet another great story. :) I, too, love the idea of you writing a humorous book about the challenges of dealing with an aging parent. Parts could be serious, but your humor is what would make it shine the brightest. Maybe it's even a project you and your mom could tackle together in some way. I betcha she'd LOVE to put in her two cents' worth about the challenges of dealing with a disobedient daughter. :)

    Take care. I hope all is well with you.

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  18. My heart goes out to you, Julie. My aunt had Parkinson's, and we used to receive some of the most bizarre phone calls. Humor is often what keeps us sane :)

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  19. Crystal - I can't believe your 98-year-old grandfather still repairs his own roof! He must really have incredible balance. Now THAT would definitely keep me up all night! Hope he continues to do well. Thanks Crystal!

    Hi Susan! Better yet, my mom should just write the whole book about how despite her excellent child rearing skills, she still managed to raise a very "disobedient daughter." It's too bad you live so far away, as you'd be the perfect life coach for us! Hope all is well with you too! Thanks Susan!

    Carol - I'm sure some of those calls were very late at night. Sorry that you had to go through that with your aunt. I agree that humor definitely helps keep us sane. Thanks Carol!

    Julie

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  20. While I know first hand how heartbreaking it can be to deal with aged parents in poor health, this post was hilarious. I'm so glad that your Mom still has a sense of humor, even if it is what keeps you up at night. I'm reminded of some of the things I went through with my father before his death. Today, almost seventeen years later, I'm grateful for much of the humor even though most of it was at my expense.

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  21. FAE - I'm so sorry that you lost your dad. Though it was almost 17 years ago, I'm sure it feels like yesterday. I know how lucky I am to have my mom, and we laughed at this blog post together. It seems to be therapeutic for both of us. Thanks for the kind words. FAE!

    Julie

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  22. Mothers wear a lot of hats. I think this is unique to your mom. :)

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  23. Scissors? Knives? You don't even need to think about politics to be up late at night.

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    1. Hi Rhonda, Well, when you put it that way my mom's shenanigans seem mild in comparison! Thanks for helping me see the light and happy belated birthday, Rhonda!

      Julie

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  24. I remember when you brought your mom the "safe" scissors. If I were you, I'd be asking who her conspirator is? She obviously has a "supplier" and you need to find out who it is, fast. I also stay up at night worrying about silly things. Not that your hairy legs are silly - they could be quite hairy and scary! Once I start thinking about something, it usually leads to other things, like a free association game. Before you know it, I'm thinking about an old boyfriend in high school who turned out to be gay at the age of 45 - so glad we didn't get married. See what I mean? So glad I found you through the IWSG. www.dianeweidenbenner.com

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  25. Contraband shivs? I think your mother is more prepared for prison that I ever would be. What a badass. Love these stories about her, as always.

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  26. Diane - Maybe we can have an all night texting party. I'm sure we'd get a story or two out of it! I'm so glad to have met you through the IWSG, too! Thanks Diane!

    B & B - The woman could still bring me to tears with just one look. If only I had even a quarter of that power! I look forward to seeing what the Beer Boys have been up to! Thanks B & B!

    Julie

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  27. I often thought it was a blessing of sorts that my mom lost her mobility to arthritis about the same time her Alzheimer's really took hold of her mind. At least we didn't have the worry of where she might go or what she might do. God bless your mom.

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    1. LD - I'm so sorry for what you went through with your mom. Alzheimer's is such a horrible and devastating disease. Thank you, LD!

      Julie

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  28. Usually when I'm kept up at night it's about something that's really stupid. I sleep to hide from serious things.

    Arlee Bird
    Tossing It Out

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  29. Definitely CIA. What a master disguise this woman has!

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  30. Sometimes I'm not exactly sure what keeps me up at night. But something usually does. Mostly it's thinking or rather worrying about my children. My husband also sleeps like a baby. No worries there! Who knows, maybe your Mom is an undercover agent protecting you from "the bad guy." Merry Christmas and happy publishing in 2017!

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  31. I think it's so sweet of you to visit your mom. I think she'd be able to take care of herself just fine if there's ever a threat!

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