Tuesday, June 4, 2019

IWSG: Food For Thought on Cheating Husbands

                                                         

It's time for another edition of the  Insecure Writer's Support Group Be sure to visit Alex J. Cavanaugh  and the rest of the talented bloggers who are always willing to lend a helping hand.


                         IWSG: Food For Thought on Cheating Husbands


Nah, he wouldn't...would he?
                                                     
While switching TV channels awaiting my dialysis treatment, my husband came across an episode about a suspected cheating husband with a twist on the Maury Show. She claimed he was having an affair with another woman while she was undergoing dialysis.

My husband and I had a good laugh, though this was entirely possible, as my appointments lasted about three and a half hours. When it came time for the suspected husband to take a lie detector test, some of the staff at the clinic also joined in on the fun. According to the show, he passed the test with flying colors.

Once I was all settled in, my husband left to run errands. As always, he returned to the clinic about two and a half hours later. His timing was perfect, as my doctor was making rounds. She was about to move on to another patient when she noticed my husband walking toward us.

My doctor couldn’t stop talking about how good my husband looked. He had lost about 10 pounds and she wanted to know if he lifted weights and what else he did to get in such great shape. I didn’t find it the slightest bit odd that her conversation with my husband who made the ultimate sacrifice of cutting down to three meals a day lasted longer than my exam.

On the way home, we made a quick stop at the grocery store. In the checkout line, the woman who was bagging the groceries turned to my husband and said, “Do you want paper or plastic, honey?”

Then I realized that I couldn’t leave my husband alone for a second. Terrible thoughts started racing through my head. I remembered my mom telling me how her unsuspecting friend couldn’t understand how her husband kept losing his underwear. They divorced a year later.

As soon as we got home,  I rifled through my husband’s underwear drawer and every pair was accounted for. I smiled when I realized it was too comfortably worn out to attract anyone without cataracts.

Unfortunately, my relief was short-lived when he brought up that Macy’s was having a sale on men's underwear for Father’s Day and wanted to stock up since he went down a size. Suddenly my life was turning into the Maury Show and I didn’t know what to do.

The next morning my husband was nowhere to be found. I saw our car was still in the parking lot, so I figured he went for a walk. But what if he merely walked to another floor in our apartment building? Our building is swarming with single women. Though he can barely see or hear, he still drives at night and is pretty handy around the house.

I was so distraught that I quickly fell back asleep. An hour later I awoke to the aroma of my favorite brunch - scrambled eggs with mushrooms and garlic. While Hubby was busy cooking, he explained that he just returned from an invigorating walk to the beach. He even picked up fresh bagels on his way home.

Within minutes, I decided that it was pointless to have my husband submit to a lie detector test, as no matter where he'd been, he still came home to cook for me. I know I got the better end of the deal for which I'm very grateful.

But if he does decide to get friendly with the flirtatious divorcee down the hall, I won't stand in his way. Rumor has it, our new neighbor ordered a deluxe gas grill and doesn't know the first thing about barbecuing. Did I mention that my husband is known for his legendary grilled London broil and skirt steaks? Sadly, he hung up his tongs when we moved.

Remarkably, our new neighbor's days off coincide with my treatments, and I always have an insatiable appetite after dialysis. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.


34 comments:

  1. Love the picture of your husband and you. He sounds like a real sweetie. Glad he is there for you as you go through your health challenges.

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  2. I could forgive anything if My Retired Man made me scrambled eggs with mushrooms. I think you have a gem of a husband, Julie.

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  3. I always thought it was the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, but it applies to women. Your husband is a good man.

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  4. This post had me worry a moment and really wondering. lol

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  5. Natalie - Thank you so much! My husband really has been a tremendous help,to me in every way.

    Debra - You do what you have to do! Thanks Debra!

    Arleen - Though I love to tease him, he really is a “gem.” Retired Man has many other talents that also qualify him to be a member of the club. Thanks Arleen!

    Alex - Yes, I’m not too embarrassed to admit it applies to me too, though many women and men are closet eaters. I agree my husband is a very good man for putting up with me!

    Chrys - Sorry I made you worry. Most of my stories are written in tongue and cheek. All is well...for now! Thanks Chrys!

    Julie

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  6. GEM JULIE ~

    >>... my husband who made the ultimate sacrifice of cutting down to three meals a day

    GOL! (Guffaw-Out-Loud!)

    >>... I was so distraught that I quickly fell back asleep.

    In reading this, I found your distress palpable. (Or perhaps palatable?)

    Great blog bit, Julie! You are in fine form. And now you've got my mind focused on scrambled eggs, mushrooms, and garlic. I feel a craving coming on which will definitely need to be satisfied. My local restaurants thank you.

    ~ D-FensDogG
    STMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS

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  7. I think if your husband ends up flirting with the woman down the hall, it's just to get to her grill. lol

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  8. I'll agree with Natalie, nice photo of the two of you. Not sure what to say on the rest, although the line that got me wasn't about the cheating, as clearly that's not the issue for you two, but rather, "Though he can barely see or hear, he still drives at night."

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  9. Anyone who cooks breakfast is fine in my book. Your picture is lovely!

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  10. Stephen - I’m so glad you can laugh with me! It is WITH and not AT, right?! GOL is definitely better than LOL, so I can’t thank you enough. Be sure to add some cheese (of your choice) to the scrambled eggs if you so desire. But feel free to substitute a bagel for avocado on toast! You always make my day, Stephen!

    Sarah - Oh no, you’ve stumbled onto my diabolical plan! Haha! Thanks Sarah!

    Rhonda - Though I hesitate to admit it, I do tend to exaggerate a little. No worries about my husband’s driving - his hearing is fine at night. Just kidding! Truthfully, he only has vision in one eye, but he can still read street signs better than I can. Thanks Rhonda!

    Liza - I’m happy we agree on what is truly important! Thank you, Liza!

    Julie



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  11. You have a real gem there, a man who makes breakfast. Your story made me laugh.

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  12. Diane - He makes a mean sandwich for lunch too! Thank you so much, Diane!

    Susan - Yes: I know how lucky I am. Thank you, Susan!

    Julie

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  13. Julie, thanks for the smiles here. I always enjoy your sense of humor.

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    1. Thank you so much, Connie! You have a wonderful sense of humor too, and you have the gift of thoughtfully expressing it ithrough poetry,

      Julie

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  14. I'm glad to see your sense of humor is still intact. :) Fun (and funny) post, kiddo. Your hubby is a real keeper, but you don't need me to tell you that, any more than you need me to tell you that he knows full well he's lucky to have you. (Hmmm, if my hubby cooked for me once in a while, I'd be willing to overlook a transgression or two, too... HA!) Take care.

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    1. Susan, This is quite a compliment coming from a woman who’s kept her marriage sizzling after 50 years! I can’t imagine dear Smarticus having any transgressions at all. Many thanks, my friend!

      Julie

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  15. Such a cute post LOL. Glad to see you still have your sense of humor! It's great to "see" you, my friend. Take care, Julie!

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  16. Hi Julie - such a great post ... loved it - told with your style of humour, while laughing at each possible episode ... knowing full well - your hubby is a delight - a gentleman through and through and true! So pleased for you - sounds like all is well with lots of happy memories - cheers Hilary

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  17. Julie - It’s great to see you too, my friend! Thanks for the kind words, and I’m glad we both agree that laughter is the best medicine.

    Hilary - Yes, Hubby really is a delight, and he’s a good sport too. Thanks for always cheering me on!

    Julie

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  18. As usual, you made my day! Loved the post.

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    1. Thank you so much, Lee! Hope you have a wonderful 4th of July!

      Julie

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  19. You're husband sounds like a wonderful man. I wish mine would cook for me. But then I guess I shouldn't complain. He's the one who keeps me together, and he does all the things I can't do. :-D

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    1. Renee - I think we both hit the jackpot! Your husband is also your rock and that’s the greatest gift they can give us. I like that he’s patient and helpful too. Thank you, Renee!

      Julie

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    2. Absolutely! I can't imagine a better husband. :-D

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  27. Hahah really a funny story!
    Recently I also thought that my husband could cheat on me watching the TV show about how to reveal the cheater.It made me recollect his every call the previous day.Moreover I heard a woman was talking with him but I didn't hear what exactly they were talking about.So I called my daughter and told her all my crazy thoughts about her dad.
    She laughed but helped me to download a tracking app mspylite.com for me to see that he didn't cheat on me and calm down. When I saw his calls through this app, I understood he was talking to my friend.I called her and asked to tell me all the truth, said I know that he had something with my husband.I was really mad and anxious.She just laughed and told that he was choosing a gift for our anniversary and asked her to help his to choose. I was such a fool. Told my husband all the story and then we laughed both on it.So I advise to everybody to stop watching stupid TV shows, especially if you're as impressionable as I am.

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