Another Opening For The Academy Awards

                                                                                                        Julie Pick


Now that the Academy Awards are approaching, I'm reminiscent of the grand openings Billy Crystal performed when he was host. Magically, he was able to combine all of the best picture nominees into one comedic, musical extravaganza; often placing himself directly into the center of the films.  Unfortunately, last year the academy increased the list of best films from five to ten, making the task more tedious. Although it would be nearly impossible to rise to Billy Crystal's level or even Jimmy Fallon's excellent turn at the Emmys, I'm willing to try a bargain basement version incorporating all ten nominees into one story. Since Anne Hathaway and James Franco are the hosts for this year's telecast, hopefully they won't mind coming along for the ride.

Our story begins 127 Hours before the Oscars when Anne is stuck in a snowstorm in Chicago, while James is having a great time at a beautiful beach resort in Mexico. As Anne is trudging through the snow in her high heels she decides to call James to go over some details for the show. She is cursing under her breath that it's cold as Winter's Bone, when best actress nominee Jennifer Lawrence runs into her and pushes her down. Meanwhile James is not answering his phone as he is in the middle of a beach boxing match with The Fighter. After Mark Wahlberg knocks him out, he returns Anne's call, but now she is too busy to answer as Jeff Bridges comes riding in to save her from the snowstorm and whisks her away on his horse showing his True Grit.

The next scene shows Anne Hathaway rehearsing her opening number at an O'Hare Airport piano bar as an announcement comes over the loud speaker that all flights are delayed due to the blizzard. Frantic that she won't make it to the ceremony on time, she tries calling James Franco again. She can barely understand him as he is having difficulty forming words and finds it strange that he is suddenly speaking with a British accent. When she jokes about him sounding like Colin Firth in The King's Speech, he tells her that he lost a couple teeth in the boxing ring, so she insists that he get them fixed before he's on live TV.

At the dental office, James Franco knows that the man in the white coat looks familiar, but he can't place his face. Finally he sees his name on the wall, Mark Zuckerberg DDS. Instead of showing where he studied dentistry, the certificate lists his 37 friends. While he's sterilizing his instruments, Jesse Eisenberg storms into the room and grabs him. As he is being dragged out, he asks James if he'll "friend" him, but he tells him that he's a pretty private guy and he isn't a fan of The Social Network. Then Steve Martin takes over as he is a permanent fixture at awards shows and already has the wardrobe from playing a dentist in two films. Before he can object, he places the ether chamber over his face, and drifts off to sleep as we hear Steve Martin's mad laughter in the background.

In the dream sequence, we see Anne Hathaway dressed as The Black Swan performing Swan Lake while she is dancing around a group of children in a ballet class. The young teacher is trying to tell her that she is interrupting her class and scaring her students, but she is off in her own world. Meanwhile, James is stuck in Inception walking upside down with Joseph  Gordon Leavitt searching for Anne Hathaway. Back at the ballet studio, the camera zooms in on a massacre of tutus, blood and feathers as Ms. Hathaway is still obliviously dancing to the sounds of screaming children. Suddenly, Annette Bening rushes into the studio with her medical bag and declares, "I'm a doctor, I'll make sure The Kids Are All Right!"

In the final scene, James Franco and Anne Hathaway walk down the red carpet eyeing their competition as they enter the Kodak Theatre. They are joined on stage by the animated characters of Toy Story 3, as they sing Randy Newman's nominated song, We Belong Together. Grateful that they've gotten the show off to a smooth start, the hosts smile and turn to each other as a giant boom falls from the ceiling severing Franco's arm.