|Billy Crystal at the 2012 Oscar Announcement|
For the 2011 Academy Awards I decided to write my own opening incorporating all of the best picture nominations. The hosts were Anne Hathaway and James Franco, so I really didn't know what to expect. With Billy Crystal hosting this year, the grand opening is bound to be an extravaganza featuring a memorable montage with all of the nominations. My interpretation is more like if Billy Crystal had a head cold, and his socially awkward cousin had to fill in for him.
Our story begins when the bases are loaded and Billy Crystal is up to bat. Brad Pitt is pacing around the stands as other footage from Moneyball is being shown. Before he takes a swing his life flashes before his eyes.
Suddenly, he's a little boy wearing a dress while seated in the comfort of The Help's arms. Abilene looks into his eyes and declares, "You is kind. You is smart. You is important."
Then he is transported into an older boy named Hugo who is being chased through a Parisian train station while bumping into things, because he's still wearing his 3D glasses. Just as he's about to be caught by the inspector, the clock strikes 12, and he becomes a young man at Midnight in Paris. He is seated at a table with the Fitzgerald's, Hemingway, Picasso, and a lovely woman named Adriana.
Without warning, The Artist walks over and silently motions for Adriana to dance with him. Billy immediately gets in his face and starts objecting. The Artist calmly smiles and hands him a breath mint while the caption reads, "You are Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close." Then Billy becomes part of the silent movie, as they dance their cares away.
The next scene takes place in a hospital where George Clooney is delivering a speech from The Descendants. "Goodbye my love, my friend, my pain, my joy. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye." The camera zooms in on Billy Crystal's face as he wakes up, and starts pulling tubes out of his body. "Hello handsome! I'd love to catch up, but I have a show to host."
Meanwhile at the Academy Awards, the crowd is getting restless, as Billy Crystal has yet to arrive. Jean Dujardin from The Artist rushes to the stage to help out, with his adorable dog Uggie. They do a few tricks when he is mesmerized by a beautiful pair of legs dancing behind a screen. He joins in the dance wondering who this mysterious goddess could be.
On stage left, Billy Crystal makes his entrance riding in on the War Horse. Suddenly, the triumphant horse gets caught in the branches from The Tree of Life. Jean Dujardin rushes over to free the horse to no avail, as the woman from the screen emerges. It's none other than Betty White who instantly rescues the horse, while Billy and Jean look on. She turns to them and gives a disgusted look while the caption reads, "Do I have to do everything?!" Then she exits the stage as Billy, Jean, and Uggie silently finish the dance.