Tuesday, December 4, 2012
ISWG: Digitally Challenged
While I was minding my own business, my husband turned to me and said, "Let me see your hands." At first I thought that I had food on them, but I was taking a break from eating. Then I surrendered my hands to him. He looked at them carefully before announcing, "That's funny, according to this online study it turns out that you're a lesbian."
Somehow he had found an Internet article about how your hands determine the type of person you are. While longer ring fingers may indicate athletic prowess, and an aptitude for math, they also show a predisposition to lesbianism. Supposedly scientists at UC Berkeley concluded that finger length and sexual orientation are pre-determined by androgen levels in the womb for women. Usually women's index fingers and ring fingers are the same length. Wait a minute, I'm not athletic or good at math, but could the anonymous researchers at Berkeley be dead wrong about all three? My husband laughed, as my paranoia began to kick in.
A few months ago, I wrote that my friend complimented me on my perfect toes, and now I don't know what to make of my unsightly fingers. What were once considered long and slender, were reduced to lying little stubs. Since it was too late to call anyone, I started frantically searching for hand models online. Surely their index fingers would be slightly shorter than their ring fingers, and this whole issue would be resolved.
Then I came across an interview with a gloved hand model. She spoke about how she wore gloves everywhere, never cooked, or did housework of any kind. Her husband didn't seem to mind, because she was averaging about ten thousand dollars a photo session. I didn't have the patience to see if she finally took off her gloves Gypsy Rose Lee style, so I searched for some still pictures instead. Unfortunately, her flawless hands revealed that her index finger and her ring finger were identical in size. Thus, my dreams of starring as a "Before" hand model on a soap commercial were all washed up. Oh, and I was still a lesbian.
Lately I can't even enter a room without glancing at everyones' hands. My preferences haven't changed though I do spend more time in the garage. Now that I have one more thing to be self-conscious about, at least I'm grateful that this is the season for gloves. In case you were wondering what any of this has to do with Alex J. Cavanaugh, I thought it would fit in well with the Insecure Righties' Support Group