I Want My Snoring Valentine Back

(GoLife For Men Nasal Pillow CPAP Mask)

Earlier this week, my husband gave me a romantic Valentine's Day couples gift, a  CPAP machine to eliminate his nightly snoring.  He had been tested for sleep apnea at the end of December, and though he was considered a "high-risk patient," the machine didn't arrive until almost six weeks later. I wasn't worried, because other than horrendous snoring, he didn't have any symptoms. Most patients suffering from sleep apnea, wake up throughout the night, and experience fatigue for days on end. My husband always wakes up ready and rearing to go. Though I was skeptical, he had two studies performed at different clinics within the last five years, and they both strongly recommended that he be fitted for a CPAP mask. We decided that it wasn't worth the risk of a possible stroke. Little did I know, that his "journey to healthy sleep," would cause me even more restless nights.

The portable CPAP machine had to be placed on a surface that was lower than the bed, so my husband put it on a broken folding chair. Since it was leaking, he placed a torn towel underneath it. Suddenly, our bedroom was transformed into a transient motel room, minus the flashing sign.

That night I watched him set up his device. He looked like Hannibal Lecter met Jacques Cousteau. The picture above doesn't show the chin strap that renders the wearer mute. We fist bumped each other goodnight, as a kiss was out of the question. Then I started worrying about all of the possible things that could go wrong.

Since my husband couldn't talk, he couldn't scream for help if he got strangled with the long chord. I also had no way of knowing if he was still breathing. Before I was used to checking his vitals in between lapses of snoring, but now I had nothing to compare it to.

Just when I was finally on the verge of falling asleep, the gentle wind from the humidifier started picking up. Suddenly, I was in the midst of an arctic chill that almost blew me right off of the bed. Every part of my being was frozen, and I couldn't seem to warm up. I had to tuck my pajama pants into my tube socks, and pull my sleeves over my hands like mittens.

 I was fighting off back drafts, and front drafts, while my husband slept like a baby. Sure I was used to the occasional gust of hurricane halitosis that was blown in my direction, but I never thought I would be begging to go back to good old fashioned snoring.