Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Forking Over The Perfect Holiday Gift

HAPIfork Bluetooth  Enabled Smart Fork

                      
Every year it seems that the holiday shopping rush begins earlier and earlier. Now there is the added pressure of an event that has not occurred since 1888; where Thanksgiving and the first day of Hanukkah collide. Thanksgivukkah is upon us, thus creating a new shopping frenzy. Instead of  getting into the holiday spirit by searching for the perfect turkey menorah, I decided to look for the latest  innovation from the Brookstone catalog.

The ad that caught my eye was for an electronic fork that helps you, "eat slowly, cut calories and feel great. The HAPIfork alerts you with vibration and LED lights when you're eating too fast. It also measures how long it took you to eat your meal, the amount of fork servings per minute and more. Upload information via Bluetooth to your smartphone so you can track your progress." 

The HAPIfork video shows an attractive mom who is enjoying herself at lunch with friends, and dinner with family. The whole family was counting their calories together at dinner with their colorful HAPIforks, but I couldn't help but wonder what would happen to the other family members outside the safety of their own home.


Any boy who brought his HAPIfork to school would be at high risk in the cafeteria. Other boys would notice his fork lighting up, and he would be ridiculed for days. The worst scenario would be if after he was attacked on the playground, he realized that he had accidentally thrown out his $99.99 fork in his paper lunch bag, and came home to another round of fighting.

What if this unfortunate boy had a twenty seven year old brother who relocated to a small town for a new job? In order to meet girls he signed up for a dating service, and tried hard to stay in shape. He arranges a date with the girl of his dreams, and takes her to the nicest restaurant in town. The conversation and wine are flowing smoothly until the salads are brought out. Then she notices that his fork is vibrating and lighting up. When he explains that he is simply trying to eat smarter, she looks at him like he's nuts.

Then his boss approaches him on his way to his table. "Nice toy you got there Brody. This looks like something that a man would need if he can't think for himself. Maybe something that your mom got for you? (Brody nods)  I thought so. Since you must really miss her, why don't you fly home to spend Thanksgivukkah with your family. Take all the time you need, 'cause your job will NOT be waiting for you when you get back."

When the bill arrives, he realizes that he barely has enough cash to pay for it. Brody would've asked his date to pitch in, but finally caught on that she wasn't still in the ladies room.  He works out a deal with the restaurant manager...

While he's finishing up washing the dishes, one of the other employees notices the HAPIfork. Brody pretends that he doesn't know where it came from, but the bus boy tells everyone who it belongs to. On his way home, they jump him in the alley, and beat the fork out of him.


                                              

39 comments:

  1. There is a gadget for everything.
    In both scenarios, the fork is best left at home. Besides, kids can't hang on to a three hundred dollar cell phone - that fork is doomed.

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  2. Alex - I agree that the fork could easily get lost, or thrown out at school. Talking about chewing slower, and eating healthier is the best bet in the long run. Hope you're having a great vacation! Thanks Alex!

    Delores - I hope that you meant this in a good way! Thanks Delores!

    Julie

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  3. Counting calories is one reason and use for our brains.

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  4. Too funny! I used to joke that an electric fork was the perfect gift for someone who has everything... didn't know I possessed special powers to predict the future. Just my luck, if I had one of those things, lights on its built-in sensor would spin madly, and an alarm would scream "Fat! Fat! Fat!" to assure complete humiliation if I shoved too many calories into my mouth.

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  5. This is hilarious. I was worried at the start that you actually thought this was an amazing new invention. I couldn't even imagine the unthinkable ridicule one would endure if they brought this to school.

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  6. What cruel monster invented this HAPfork? Can't we have any enjoyment in life?

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  7. Ha! That fork would come in very handy on Thanksgiving. Especially when it's time for the pie. And maybe they could invent a secondary gadget that attaches to my belt and shoves me three feet away from the table when I've devoured my allotted calories. :))

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  8. Susan - That's right, and we have to hold onto it as long as we can!

    Susan - You would've created a smarter, more reasonably priced version with a spoon or spork attachment. We could easily trick their version by going right for the ice cream!
    Thanks Susan!

    Rhonda - Girls would still be ridiculed too, but boys would face much crueler punishment. Thanks Rhonda!

    Arleen - If you happen to receive one as a gift, just throw it into the wood chipper, and invite your husband to watch!

    Luanne - I'll bet that someone will invent a cell phone or belt attachment taser app that will do exactly what you're describing. Maybe we should get a head start by going on Shark Tank. Thanks Luanne!

    Julie

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  9. Hi Julie,

    And a HAPIfork was had by all. Hmmm...maybe that didn't sound right. This was bizarrely outrageous, Julie. I might just go a brush my teeth with a Bluetooth.

    Now then, if you were in Canada, you'd have already had Thanksgiving, eh :) Thus, have the bestest "Thanksgivukkah" :)

    Gary

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    1. Gary - I hope your teeth don't turn blue. Hope you still celebrate Thanksgiving in England, though you could have mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, and potato pancakes if you wait for Thanksgivukkah. It's all about the potatoes! Thanks Gary!

      Julie

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  10. I'm left wondering who is dopeyer the person who invented it or the person who buys it!!

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  11. HAPifork...the most unperfect gift ever. Happy Thanksgivukkah!

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  12. Jen - I'm assuming the person who invented it got paid, so my vote goes to anyone who would fork over $99.99 for one!

    You are absolutely right Carol! Hope you have a happy Thanksgivukkah too!

    Julie

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  13. You crack me up. Good thing I don't own the fork. It would wear itself out. ;)

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    1. Julie - I would have the same problem if I ever figured out how to use it correctly! Thanks Julie!

      Julie

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  14. What the fork-----------
    Very funny Julie!
    And who in their right mind will fork out $99.99 for this gadget?

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  15. Poor Brody. Yet a mensch he was - or tried to be. That's perhaps the most hate-able invention ever created, especially for the hungry Jew on Thanksgivukah. I don't plan on using any utensils, much less a fork that shames my savage eating habits, when it comes to turkey latkes.

    Enjoy the Thanksgivukah season, Julie. I'm not ready yet, but will be celebrating.
    xoRobyn

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  16. Michelle - It is a bit pricey! Thanks Michelle!

    Robyn - Yum, turkey latkes sound delish! Glad you'll be celebrating the holiday as it was intended! Who needs silverware anyway?! Hope you enjoy the Thanksgivukkah season too Robyn!

    Julie

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  17. I would be scared to read the data if I got that fork. I eat very very fast...

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  18. Poor Brody. His whole life ruined over a fork. I am like Libby, I'd also be scared to use this fork. I eat way too fast and could be compared to a pig at the trough at times LOL.

    That's interesting that it's been so long since Thanksgiving and Hanukkah collided like this. I was surprised when I saw Hanukkah on my November calendar, I thought, I don't remember it ever falling this early. Now I know why!

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  19. This is another one of those gifts for "the man who has everything", or perhaps the man who eats everything. What will they think of next?

    Lee
    Tossing It Out

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  20. Gosh you certainly have a vivid imagination! Best to stay clear of this hapifork then.--unless you're just going to use it in the comfort of your own home.
    Nutschell
    www.thewritingnut.com

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  21. Thanksgivukkah - very funny! I am a Pescatarian. Do you think that fork can help me with my turkey-shaped Mahi-mahi?.

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  22. And the Deluxe version electrocutes you if your Body Mass Index (BMI) is over 26%.
    Have a Happy Huanukkah!
    And pass me some pumpkin pie!

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  23. Libby - We would probably all be healthier if we ate slower, but it's easier said than done.

    Julie - I don't like that Hanukkah comes so early this year, but it is a once in a lifetime event. Oh, and Brody deserved it! He wouldn't last one chapter in one of your novels!

    Lee - It's only for the "man who eats everything" if he has a bodyguard!

    Nutschell - If someone really has to have one, then I agree that it's better to store it in a private place with their other electronic toys! Thanks Nutschell!

    JJ - I wish I could take credit for "Thanksgivukkah," but I saw it in the paper, and it's been all over the Internet. I think your "turkey shaped Mahi-mahi" is safe, but how many Goldfish crackers can you stack on your fork at once?!

    Al - Now that's just not fair. You have to allow up to at least 32% during the holidays, and a little tasering sounds much friendlier than electrocuting someone. It also depends who bought the pie. Hope you have a happy Thanksgiving too Al!

    Julie

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  24. I was already lacking in excitement about this fork, but geez, now I really don't want it.

    The Warrior Muse

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  25. Hi Julie- I think you should invent something - it'll be such a success .. but the fork I'll forego and I suspect so will many others unless they have money to burn! Crazy ideas - but we're all so different ... cheers Hilary

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    1. Hilary - I couldn't agree with you more about the HAPIfork! It would be wonderful to invent something that would actually be useful. Thanks for catching up on several of my stories in one sitting! I really appreciate it Hilary!

      Julie

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  26. Is it weird that I want one?

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    1. Valerie - Hopefully, they haven't already sold out!

      Hugs back at ya Valerie!

      Julie

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  27. This was hilarious. I wonder if they can make a folding fork instead. It would solve a few problems. Now what about a LED knife too? And a spoon? All these things form part of the eating process. And we mustn't forget the plate which can tell us how much food to place on it., and it shouts "NO" every time you weigh it down too much. Ha, ha ha.

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    1. Rum-Punch Drunk - This would probably make me revert to eating lots of finger foods right out of the container! I could just imagine someone having a heart attack after his plate started shouting at him!

      Julie

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  28. That is a funny story. It made me smile. I just kept trying to figure out how a person could keep such an eating utensil clean and in the pocket. The trash cans in the school cafeteria would be full of them. They would be used once and after they were washed they would be like wool sweaters washed in hot water. The makers of these forks would be so busy trying to keep up with the turn over they would either be rich or out of business. Thanks for the fun read.

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    1. Yvonne - I agree that they wouldn't last five minutes in the school cafeteria. Something tells me at $99.99 a fork, they won't be selling out anytime soon. Thanks Yvonne!

      Julie

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  29. ha ha - too funny for words. What an imagination you have.

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