Thursday, April 25, 2013
The Vanity Game
A heavyset man walks out of the shower at the gym. After he finishes drying off, he throws the towel on the floor, and starts walking toward his locker. Then he bumps into an acquaintance, and proceeds to have a lengthy conversation with him, and two other clothed men.
Forty five minutes later, a young man barges in with a TV crew. He approaches the naked man and says, "You're it." The man looks for a towel, and tries to cover up with a dirty sweat sock from the floor. "Oh, don't worry about that. We'll just shoot you from above the waist. Will somebody bring him a towel? Doesn't mean I need to look at it though." The camera starts rolling, as the conversation continues.
Naked Guy: What's going on?
Host: This is a pilot for a new game show that's a combination of Candid Camera, Punk'd, and America's Funniest Home Videos.
Naked Guy: (tightening his towel) I don't feel comfortable being seen without my clothes on.
Host: That's funny 'cause we know you've been talking to your buddies over here wearing nothing but deodorant. And this isn't the first time. We have footage of you for months on end. Some days you just head right to the showers, and don't even pretend to workout.
Naked Guy: How do you know all this? Who sent you here?
(Camera pans to the door as his wife walks in. She's all decked out in designer yoga attire, shiny bling, and a spray tan.)
Vanessa: Hello Victor.
Naked Guy: I knew this was a setup. What do you want from me?
Vanessa: Just keep embarrassing yourself, and when you win the prize I'll give you a divorce.
Host: What are you planning on doing with the prize money Vanessa?
Vanessa: Oh a nip here, a tuck there. Victor says I don't need these things, but what does her know? He's all washed up. (the crew laughs)
Naked Guy: Look at her. She's already beautiful. Her vanity has gotten the best of her.
Vanessa: I'm not vain, I'm practical. And what about you?
Naked Guy: I'm standing here naked in front of millions of viewers. There's not a vain bone in my body.
Host: Well, let's not forget this is cable...
Vanessa: What about all of your manscaping? You could spend hours plucking and trimming your chest, but you let your ear hair run wild.
Naked Guy: After my lousy haircut grows out, you won't even see my ear hair.
Vanessa: But I'll know it's there. And what about all of your facials, as well as your weekly pedicures?
Naked Guy: Well look at me. You know I can barely reach my toes. I just try to look nice for you.
Vanessa: Then why did we join a health club if you won't even use the equipment?
Naked Guy: I knew YOU wanted to join. I tried a few times, but I started huffing and puffing so loudly that I thought I was going to explode. Not to mention how much I was sweating. Even old ladies laughed at me when I had trouble keeping up with them on the treadmill. I just couldn't stand making a spectacle of myself anymore.
(Vanessa moves closer, and takes his hand.)
Host: Okay, we are done here people. (motions to crew) Stop rolling.
Vanessa: So did I win the prize?
Host: You won big time, and it's all wrapped up in that nice, fluffy towel.