|Billy Crystal at the 2012 Oscar Announcement|
For the 2011 Academy Awards I decided to write my own opening incorporating all of the best picture nominations. The hosts were Anne Hathaway and James Franco, so I really didn't know what to expect. With Billy Crystal hosting this year, the grand opening is bound to be an extravaganza featuring a memorable montage with all of the nominations. My interpretation is more like if Billy Crystal had a head cold, and his socially awkward cousin had to fill in for him.
Our story begins when the bases are loaded and Billy Crystal is up to bat. Brad Pitt is pacing around the stands as other footage from Moneyball is being shown. Before he takes a swing his life flashes before his eyes.
Suddenly, he's a little boy wearing a dress while seated in the comfort of The Help's arms. Abilene looks into his eyes and declares, "You is kind. You is smart. You is important."
Then he is transported into an older boy named Hugo who is being chased through a Parisian train station while bumping into things, because he's still wearing his 3D glasses. Just as he's about to be caught by the inspector, the clock strikes 12, and he becomes a young man at Midnight in Paris. He is seated at a table with the Fitzgerald's, Hemingway, Picasso, and a lovely woman named Adriana.
Without warning, The Artist walks over and silently motions for Adriana to dance with him. Billy immediately gets in his face and starts objecting. The Artist calmly smiles and hands him a breath mint while the caption reads, "You are Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close." Then Billy becomes part of the silent movie, as they dance their cares away.
The next scene takes place in a hospital where George Clooney is delivering a speech from The Descendants. "Goodbye my love, my friend, my pain, my joy. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye." The camera zooms in on Billy Crystal's face as he wakes up, and starts pulling tubes out of his body. "Hello handsome! I'd love to catch up, but I have a show to host."
Meanwhile at the Academy Awards, the crowd is getting restless, as Billy Crystal has yet to arrive. Jean Dujardin from The Artist rushes to the stage to help out, with his adorable dog Uggie. They do a few tricks when he is mesmerized by a beautiful pair of legs dancing behind a screen. He joins in the dance wondering who this mysterious goddess could be.
On stage left, Billy Crystal makes his entrance riding in on the War Horse. Suddenly, the triumphant horse gets caught in the branches from The Tree of Life. Jean Dujardin rushes over to free the horse to no avail, as the woman from the screen emerges. It's none other than Betty White who instantly rescues the horse, while Billy and Jean look on. She turns to them and gives a disgusted look while the caption reads, "Do I have to do everything?!" Then she exits the stage as Billy, Jean, and Uggie silently finish the dance.
I bet theirs isn't half as creative! Very clever.ReplyDelete
Really hope they don't show the horse get tangled in anything because the barbed wire scene in War Horse was really hard to watch the first time.
Ha! You've come up with a great opening. We'll see if they can top it, but I doubt it. Kind of glad Billy Crystal is back this year. :)ReplyDelete
Betty White always saves the day. I'm just happy that there will not be a repeat of Franco and Hathaway.ReplyDelete
Alex - I read somewhere that the barbed wire was made out of plastic, and that they used a puppet for some of the War Horse scenes. Thanks Alex!ReplyDelete
L.G. - I'm also glad that Billy Crystal is back! He can sing, dance, and do great impressions! Notice I applied the Rule of Three! Thanks L.G.!
Julie - She is Hollywood's go-to-gal! Anne Hathaway is also very talented, but the writing and the teamwork just wasn't there.
I think they should employ you! I can definitely visualise that opening.ReplyDelete
Awesome post. Would be funny (maybe only for me) if the guy from the artist did the hosting in character with subtitles.ReplyDelete
HA! If the real awards ceremony were even half as entertaining, I might actually watch them. Very clever!ReplyDelete
Love this! Especially the Betty White part :)ReplyDelete
Talli - I would love to write some material or just be at the Oscars, but I get nervous enough just watching it at home! Thanks Talli!ReplyDelete
Tonja - That would be fun, and maybe they will have subtitles as part of the opening ! Thanks Tonja!
Susan - Billy Crystal is known for his opening extravaganzas! That's why I thought it would be fun to try to predict some of what may happen at the start of the show, instead of the actual winners. Thanks Susan!
Carol - A little Betty White does go a long way! Thanks Carol!
This works for me, but since I didn't see any of those films I don't have much idea what you're talking about. In fact, I probably won't be watching the Oscars very closely. Maybe I'll have it on as I'm on the computer, but I'm no longer as interested in those award shows as I used to be.ReplyDelete
Maybe you should start writing for television.
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An A to Z Co-host blog
Lee, I don't know when you would even find the time to go to the movies! I always thought it woud be fun to be a television writer ala Sally Rogers on the Dick Van Dyke Show. I would love to find a Rob and Buddy to collaborate with! Thanks Lee!Delete
But, do you remember Billy Crystal as the homosexual, Jody, on 'Soap'?ReplyDelete
From humble beginnings came "City Slickers."
Oh, yeah, and the Oscars.
Al, Who could forget when Burt would think he was invisible when everyone else could still see him?! I loved Soap! As for Billy Crystal, he also did amazing impersonations on SNL before he made City Slickers. I hope you at least liked Curly (Jack Palance) in the movie!Delete
Invisible Burt-I forgot about that! That was hysterical! Billy Crystal's impersonations on SNL and on "The Princess Bride" ("Have fun raiding the castle!") were fantastic. I heard that the Oscars last night sucked. Don't know since I didn't see them. It's just what I was told. They also said Billy wasn't as funny as they'd hoped. Once again, I didn't see it.Delete
great take on it! i know billy c is good, but im a bit tired of him.... was hoping to see eddie murphy back in form, but guess that's not going happen!ReplyDelete
I love this opening. I think the producers should have contacted you to do the opening skit.ReplyDelete
Jeremy - I'm also a big Eddie Murphy fan. They would even be great co-hosts. Thanks Jeremy!ReplyDelete
Melissa - Thanks, but I think Billy and the writers will not disappoint us! I still think that they'll have to do a spoof on the screen scene from The Artist. Maybe they'll show Billy Crystal's legs instead! Julie
Hi, Julie. Stopping by to check out your blog. I'm also participating in the A to Z challenge. Look forward to seeing what you blog about in April.ReplyDelete
PUTTING WORDS DOWN ON PAPER
Why don't you host the Academy Awards, Julie? You're a super script writer. Thanks for the laugh this morning and thanks for the list of the pictures up for the award. Haven't seen all of them yet! Guess I'm running out of time.ReplyDelete
Susanne - Thanks for visiting me, and it will be fun getting to know you too during A to Z!ReplyDelete
Lee - Thanks, but I think Billy Crystal will do a great job! My favorites are The Artist, The Help and Hugo, but I still enjoyed all of the nominees that I saw. I still haven't seen Tree of Life or Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, which I'll eventually watch on TV. Julie
I'll be at the A-Z challenge. Oh, I LOVE Billy Chrystal. I think he does a great job each year.ReplyDelete
Thanks for your visits and comments.ReplyDelete
It was great to meet Arlee, he made us very welcome to LA and the strange thing was we both knew instantly who we were yet we had never met before.
It was the highlight of my vacation.
This comment has been removed by the author.ReplyDelete
Ciara - Looking forward to seeing you at the challenge! I also love Billy Crystal!ReplyDelete
Yvonne - Sometimes people look completely different in person, so it's hard to recognize them. I love LA and with Lee as your tour guide, I'm sure you both had a wonderful time! Julie
This is so creative, Julie. They should hire you to write for next year's show! The Betty White part really cracked me up. Great job, I really enjoyed reading it. :)ReplyDelete
Julie, If you haven't seen The Artist you would love the scenes with Uggie! Maybe you and Clancy will watch it together when it comes on TV! Thanks Julie, it would be dream job!ReplyDelete