Do you ever notice how some people can't go one minute without bragging? They start at a young age, and every conversation turns into a competition. They go to the best schools, graduate with the best jobs, marry the best spouses, and move into the best homes.
After their gorgeous and gifted children move away, they come to the realization that they have very little to talk about. They're at that awkward age where their bodies are creaking, and their weight is shifting in the wrong places. Trapped in middle-aged limbo: too young for retirement, yet too old to sit in a chair without dozing off. If only they had grandchildren to bounce on their knees before arthritis kicks in. Here they are, a group of friends gathered around the picnic table bundled up in blankets beside a roaring fire on a balmy summer evening playing the latest board game.
It's Toots and Bladders, Battered Hip, and Crazy Mates all rolled into one: the game where it pays to decay. A player draws the first card which asks, "Have you ever had a cyst lanced from your perineum?" Raymond answers "yes," collects $200, and advances his miniature oxygen tank down the board. Pearl throws the dice, and lands on Constipation Blvd. Everyone presses the buzzers at once. To break the four-way tie Lexi shouts out, "How long has it been?" Pearl answers "five days," Raymond three, Lexi two, and Leonard adds, "since lunchtime."
When Leonard proudly admits to having hair plugs he is forced to move his miniature enema kit into the Unnecessary Cosmetic Procedure Pavilion forfeiting his next turn. Now the competition has shifted from earlier conversations about material possessions to who has the largest surgical scars. The couples are thrilled to have something to talk about, even if it means battling it out to see who has suffered the most.
Lexi draws the final card which reads, "Congratulations on your fifth anniversary of being cancer-free..." Lexi can't believe that her husband and closest friends remembered it has been almost five years to the day since she underwent her last radiation treatment for breast cancer. She is so excited that they went to all the trouble of ordering a customized version of the game just for her. Then she reads the rest of the card, "...and your mother-in-law will be joining in the celebration tomorrow, when she moves in with you after her hip replacement surgery." With that everyone turns their winnings over to Lexi, right after prying her hands off of Leonard's hair plugs.
This is a repost from November 2011.
That's funny! Gave me a good laugh.ReplyDelete
That is very funny, Julie.ReplyDelete
This cheered me no end. Thanks for sharing this excellent post.ReplyDelete
This is awesome...and depressing at the same time! Great job!!! You should try to get this published in a magazine.ReplyDelete
That is hilarious!! Someone needs to make that game.ReplyDelete
Funny but just a little too close to reality.ReplyDelete
This was absolutely amazing. "Have you ever had a cyst lanced from your perineum?" may be the funniest thing I've read all day. Well done!ReplyDelete
That's hilarious. I'm going to have my first colonoscopy later this month. Perhaps I'll be able to brag about having a polyp removed.ReplyDelete
My grandpa was a braggart and loved to tell you about his pills, aches and pains, and surgical scars. Honestly, it was painful. I laughed and cringed at the time same while reading this. I have suffered a long time with migraines, but I have tried not to go on about it... because I don't want to be THAT person.ReplyDelete
funny and sorta sadly scary at the same time as all the boomers collapse. Indeed, it's good to be conscious of NOT complaining about falling apart. So, did I tell you about my vision......?ReplyDelete
Miranda - Thank you so much!ReplyDelete
Arleen - I'm glad I dusted this off! Thanks Arleen!
Yvonne - Thanks for the kind words!
Stephanie - This was published in local literary arts magazine East On Central a few years ago. Thank you Stephanie!
Alex - Players might have to drink shots to stay awake! Thanks Alex!
Delores - I think you left a similar comment the first time! I feel the same way! Thanks Delores!
B & B - When I tried to download an image, your board game picture popped up. I would've used it, but I was looking for an older couple. The perineum bit was not pretty, but I'm glad you appreciated it! This was quite a compliment coming from the dynamic duo! Thanks B & B!
Janie - It's better to brag about the wonderful breakfast you had afterward. I hope you don't have any polyps. Thanks Janie, and good luck with the colonoscopy. Remember the prep is the worst part.
Robin - Everything in moderation! We all have to talk about our surgeries, and aches and pains sometimes. By sharing stories about your migraines, you're helping other silent sufferers. Your grandpa probably meant well, and just got carried away. Hope you're feeling okay. Thanks Robin!
Lexi's mother-in-law is still alive? Man, she must be a hardy old witch! What happens if you land on Flatulence Blvd?ReplyDelete
Joanne - You have my permission to vent about anything you want! You have the patience of a saint! Do poor vision problems run in pairs, or is this a side effect from your tireless formatting?! Stay healthy my friend! Thanks Joanne!ReplyDelete
Gorilla - Of course Lexi's mother is still alive. Lexi could be 55, and her mom could be between 75-85. I pride myself on doing extensive research for all my stories! Landing on Flatulence Blvd. will give you a free pass to the nearest changing station at the underpa(nt)ss. Ba da bing! Sorry, I work best at 4 a.m.
This made me laugh, Julie. I can't imagine playing games like this, but it's very telling! Very good!!ReplyDelete
You gotta submit this one for publication. :)ReplyDelete
How do you come up with this stuff, Julie? I'm so impressed. I think you need to market this one. But I don't want you to be targeted by the AARP or Joan Rivers. This part made me laugh heartily: "Pearl throws the dice, and lands on Constipation Blvd. Everyone presses the buzzers at once." Thanks!ReplyDelete
I want that game! Julie - you really have a vivid imagination. Wish I had half of it.ReplyDelete
We have German friends who say that when we/they were younger all they talked about was sex but nowadays all we/they talk about is health problems. It is so true. Not sure about the middle aged bit though, surely it's mostly a bit later in life than that.ReplyDelete
Val - I should probably call it the TMI game! Thanks Val!ReplyDelete
Luanne - It appeared in a local magazine a few years back, but I'll probably recycle it for the book I'll never write. Thanks Luanne!
Robyn - I'm no match for Joan Rivers, but I would love to see her and my mom go a round or two! Sadly, too many of us have been down Constipation Blvd. Thanks Robyn!
Mary - You have a wonderful imagination too! Thanks Mary!
Jo - Some of us already have had a head start! Everyone has something, and their version is always worse. "Worse" is the new "best!"
Jo - That's "worst" is the new "best."Delete
Thanks for reposting. I missed it first time around. What a hoot! And way too true. (Wanta see my scars...?)ReplyDelete
I missed this the first time, or maybe I just couldn't relate as well. This is fantastic. So funny. Thank Julie, me and my aching back really needed this post today.ReplyDelete
Susan - You never miss anything! Maybe we could have a worst scar blogfest! Thanks Susan!ReplyDelete
Rhonda - Sorry about your back. I'll bet it doesn't hurt as much as my bulging disc does, and if you think it does, you're wrong! Having fun yet?! Thanks Rhonda!
Hi Julie - I'm just glad this game isn't around - though perhaps it should be - we'd all be laughing or cringing in pain ... thanks so much for reposting .. I'll go have an enema, or my ears syringed ... actually no I won't -the aeroplanes have reminded me it's Airborne weekend and I need to keep my ears fully blocked! Cheers HilaryReplyDelete
Funny! If we have to suffer, we all want to be the one who suffered the most. Great job.ReplyDelete
Hahaha! Well, at least we're not alone. :D Well-done.ReplyDelete
Hilary - We have the Air and Water Show in Chicago this weekend too! Take care of your ears, and your other parts! Thanks Hilary!ReplyDelete
Carol - Sad but true! Thanks Carol!
Daisy - Yes, misery really does love company! Thanks Daisy!
What a funny post. Middle age limbo is hard work ( not that I should know). People are stuck between seeing themselves young, beautiful and fit, whilst at the same time noticing podgy fat pockets around the stomach, grey hairs protruding on the hairline and bones that won't bend like they use to, ha ha ha. What a dilemma to be caught up in, until it passes into old age :) And there's no mistaken it when it happens.ReplyDelete
Brilliant! When is your game being produced?! If only...ReplyDelete
Rum-Punch Drunk - It's great to see you! Hope you're doing well. Some people blossom in middle-age, while others are stuck in limbo. It all comes down to having good genes, and a great attitude. Thanks RPD!ReplyDelete
Susan - If only...it were that easy! By the time that happens I'd have to create a senior version! Thanks Susan!
Another support group! Or is that support hose group?ReplyDelete
Good one, Lee!Delete
My brothers and I are in a competition to see who dies first.ReplyDelete
The first one to kick the bucket wins.
Depends on your point of view.
Al - Hopefully, this competition will continue until your youngest brother is 100, and you all pass together in your sleep at a nursing home. Of course, they'll have to kick out the young nurses first!Delete