It looked like an ordinary package when it arrived in the mail. Never would I have guessed how a device that was designed for convenience would completely take over my kitchen. The chopper had become an all-consuming event for my husband and younger son. They would constantly discuss what vegetables my husband should pick up from the store, so they could work feverishly slicing and dicing to create gourmet dinner salads for two.
At first I was thrilled to give up my position as head of the kitchen, until I realized I was demoted to chief bottle washer. They had all the glory, while I was still stuck cleaning up their messes. Slowly my kitchen was turning into a battlefield, and I was the enemy. I never knew what I would step in, or what might come crashing down on me from the ceiling. I was forced to walk around my own kitchen wearing goggles, and combat boots with a fully loaded Swiffer.
Then the cravings began. I started gaining weight from watching their healthy eating. I couldn't exist on salad, so I would make myself a grilled cheese sandwich on bread that actually tasted like bread. Of course I had to have some chips with it, and things continued to get uglier, and uglier. When they looked up at me in disgust I cried out, "I can't live on horse food."
The other night when my husband was calmly chopping away, he noticed an important ingredient was missing from his salad. As his left nostril began to flare, I decided to text our son at work, "Did you kidnap Dad's avocado?"
I can't tell you how many times I've texted him without receiving any response. In this case, he knew it was an emergency, and instantly got back to me. Our son explained that he took the rest of the avocado with him to work, and half of it had gone bad already. He also mentioned that he told his dad to pick up another one at his favorite store on his way home from the office. Then I responded, "Dad did get another one, but it isn't ripe yet. I hope someday he'll forgive you."
At first he didn't realize I was kidding, and couldn't stop apologizing. When I think about all of the clothes, cell phones, and electronic devices that never made it home from college without a second thought, and how he was guilt-ridden about a single avocado, it proves my theory that there really is such a thing as eating too many fruits and vegetables.
Sorry to cut this short, but it's three o'clock, and I must start cooking dinner before my kitchen is taken over by the mad choppers. Fortunately, I only had to make the reservation in my own kitchen a month in advance.
The men in your family like salad? They must have discovered their inner gorillas. Things should get easier for you when they start eating insects, which don't need to be chopped up first.ReplyDelete
Reading this made me happy that all Sweetman uses is a spoon and can opener in the kitchen. He likes to eat Progresso soup right out of the can.ReplyDelete
Hilarious! At least he learned how to feel guilty.ReplyDelete
I don't think I've ever had a salad with avocado.
Gorilla - Great idea about the insects! Not only will it save on our grocery bill, but it will also cut down on our visits from pest control.ReplyDelete
Shelly - Sweetman sure is easy to please! He fits right in with your cute pups!
Alex - He's felt guilty before, but he really didn't want to disappoint his dad. Avocados go very well with salads. Let me know if you try it. Thanks Alex!
Hahaha!!! I can't tell you how many coworkers go on and on about their choppers at lunch while I chomp away on my ham/turkey/bacon sandwiches :-)ReplyDelete
Somehow your dilemma reminds me of a movie, "The God's Must Be Crazy" and their sudden need for a coke bottle they never needed prior to finding it. Thanks for the laughs, and I hope you get your kitchen back some day.ReplyDelete
Jamie - I'd much rather have lunch with you! Though I do like salads, it's much easier to pack or grab a sandwich on the run for lunch. Thanks Jamie!ReplyDelete
Rhonda - I never saw that movie, but since it has "crazy" in the title, I'm sure it applies! We'll definitely work out a joint custody kitchen arrangement. I'm thinking of every other day during the week, and weekends off. Things could always be worse! Thanks Rhonda!
I eyeball the choppers when I see them, wondering if they are effective. I've been eating "well" for several months now...and while I'm pleased with the results, I'd give my eye-teeth for a grilled cheese.ReplyDelete
I'd let them chop away as long as I don't have to clean it!ReplyDelete
Thanks for the laughs this morning - I needed them! Don't mess with a man's avocado!!ReplyDelete
Avocado in salads is delicious. I am surprised Alex has never eaten it. I enjoyed your post, sounds like a hilarious situation. Where did you get the chopper?ReplyDelete
Loved this, keep fighting for your rights! :0)ReplyDelete
I don't like cooking OR cleaning up...I'd be happy to give up either one. Send your choppers over here lol.ReplyDelete
Hey, wait a minute...I can't find my avocado, either...text him about mine, too.ReplyDelete
Avocado in salad is like Mexican, I haven't tried it yet. :PReplyDelete
You don't mess with someone's avocado! :PReplyDelete
The perfect modern woman: Wearing combat boots in the kitchen while her husband is chopping away at a hearty meal fit for rabbits!ReplyDelete
Can you find a handy dandy house cleaning gadget for them? It might catch their interest and no telling where that would lead.ReplyDelete
You went from head chef to pot washer? Or in your case, bottle washer. Oy.ReplyDelete
The novelty will wear off... and you'll claim your rightful place again... hang in there.ReplyDelete
Is that what you really want? Think carefully. LOL
Liza - Good for you for eating "well!" Believe it or not, I'm eating better than I used to, but I still have a long way to go. Grilled cheese and pizza are only a few of my vices. The chopper works pretty well, but you have to be careful not to have the veggies turn out too fine or watery.ReplyDelete
Jen - The clean-up really isn't too bad, though things can get a little sticky or slippery! Good to see you, Jen!
Keith - That is the moral of the story! Hope your new bride is reading this! Thanks Keith!
Jo - I agree that avocados do go well with salads. Hopefully, Alex will like it too. My husband found the chopper on Amazon. It's the same one pictured above. Thanks Jo!
Carole - Ha, ha! These "fights' are more of a win-win, but I'll never tell them!
Delores - I know things are much rougher for you, as you have to follow strict dietary restrictions for your husband. I still have fun giving my boys a hard time though. I'll be happy to send them over on a day when I have custody of the kitchen!
Cherdo - All it took was one avocado to send him on this wild spree! Everyone needs to lock up their fridges, and booby trap their veggie bins!
SuperLux - I think it depends on what other spices and salad dressing you put on it. It definitely adds a nice touch to salads.
Chrys - You have to draw the line somewhere, and nothing comes between a man and his avocado!
JJ - Very funny! It is a "hearty meal fit for rabbits!" Glad you like my stylish kitchen combat boots! I think Bentley, and the rest of your rescue dogs would probably chuckle if they saw me in my kitchen attire!ReplyDelete
LD - I think it has to be food or exercise related to get their attention. I really like your idea better though!
Ivy - Yes, I was demoted in my own house! Ha, ha! I'll get them back later!
Michelle - As usual, you've read between the lines! Let them chop away while I sneak in carbs and sugar! There's always the treadmill tomorrow!
You could hide the blade and hold it until those messy boys clean up after themselves. Muhahaha.Delete
I love the way you think, Ivy!Delete
quite humorous. I've found that chopping equipment is a pain to clean. I've sliced my finger several times on our food processor (yes, I'm a slow learner). Does it chop chips? Can it cube up angel food cake for fondue? Eating salad makes me think of all the other stuff I want - I'm with you, gal!ReplyDelete
I got one of those things for Christmas a few years back - from a male. Who's ever used it? A male. It's a male toy :)ReplyDelete
Half of my family are vegetarians or vegans. They are not fun.ReplyDelete
I laughed out loud at your line about horsefood. It must be torturous to watch two grown men eat salad after salad. I do admit, though, if someone took half of my avocado, I would not readily forgive.ReplyDelete
Robyn - Sorry I didn't see this yesterday. It was pretty tense in my house until the avocado situation cooled down! They do enjoy other things besides horse food, but they're still consuming mass quantities of it. As long as they're not delving into my chocolate stash, I'll be able to get through this! Thanks Robyn!Delete
Joanne - Sorry you've gotten injured with the food processor. The chopper is not as dangerous. It works best on fruits and veggies, but would probably turn pound cake into crumb cake. Count me in for chocolate fondue!ReplyDelete
Carol - I agree that it's a "male toy!" I suppose there are worse things to play with!
Arleen - I'm glad my boys are carnivores! They still mix chicken in with their greens, and will eat fish and beef on occasion. There are some very good vegetarian noodle
and rice dishes, so you could always go out with your family for pasta or Chinese food. Then you could ditch them, and meet up with me at Joanne's for chocolate fondue!
Jerida and her family had that with the Nutri-Bullet. i don't think they've actually cooked since they first got one.ReplyDelete
Michael - Between prepared foods, and all of the options that these devices offer, it is possible to give up cooking. My family still likes some of my old family recipes after an invigorating chopping session!Delete
Kitchen gadgets are mine. My guys aren't interested in using them. Just eating what I make with them. I'm the one in the family who will eat salads almost every day. My guys not so much.ReplyDelete
Julie. I've nominated you for an award. If you stop by my blog, you can pick it up.
GEM JULIE ~ReplyDelete
I came here THREE TIMES yesterday to read this, and each time I'd only get a couple paragraphs into it before someone or something would pull me away.
Made it this time. I guess the trick was to get to it early in the morning before the whole world woke up and started tugging at me.
Very entertaining stuffs! And I can certainly understand about the avocado. You can mess with a lot of my stuffs, but ain't NOBODY better take an avocado of mine! Yeah, I love 'em. Heck, I was pretty much raised on avocado, and you can do ANYTHING with it and I'll still love it.
Yep, avocado in salad is excellent. Guacamole, fabulous. (Although I hate that watery green stuff they put in plastic tubs and sell in grocery stores under the name of "guacamole". I was born and raised in Southern California, and I know real guacamole when I see it. No one can fool me with that green watery mess with a few diced tomatoes in it!)
Here's my FAVORITE way to eat avocado (and what I would request as my final meal before facing the firing squad)...
1: White toast, add butter so it melts in.
2: Scoop half an avocado (preferably Hass avocado) onto each slice of toast and mash it up pretty well.
3: Add plenty of salt.
4: Eat it and feel the lovey in the tummy.
I know it doesn't sound good, but so far NO ONE who has tried it at my recommendation hasn't loved it. (You know, peanut butter and banana sounds weird too, but it's a great combination. So is avocado on white toast with lots of salt. You can skip the butter part if you want to cut down on the fat and calories.)
If you ever try it, please let me know what you thought.
'Loyal American Underground'
Susanne - Our sons didn't like eating vegetables when they were younger, so there's still hope for your kids. Thanks so much for the wonderful award, Susanne! You've also been an inspiration to me.ReplyDelete
Stephen - Sorry you had to constantly get interrupted yesterday. I really appreciate
your three attempts yesterday, and your willingness to revisit today! I'm honored that you think my silly posts deserve your full attention! Now I feel badly that I didn't delve deeper into other vegetables. I can't wait to show my son your avocado sandwich recipe. He also uses it as a spread instead of mayo or mustard, and enjoys it with turkey sandwiches. It sounds like it would taste good on white bread, but he's really into Ezekiel bread. I look forward to trying it! Thanks so much, Stephen!
Well, it's not really a sandwich. Or you could call it an "Open-Faced Sandwich", I guess.
But really you're eating each slice of toast separately, not put together "sandwich-style".
Lots of salt is the key. (And by the way, don't believe that baloney about people getting too much sodium. The truth is that most people aren't getting enough salt, even if they eat a lot of processed food. "Common Knowledge" is chock full o' lies!)
I admit that with the butter, the avocado on toast is a little bit better. But I'm so lazy that most of the time I skip the butter. (Also because I never buy it, so if I use it, I'm stealing from someone else.)
Your son will LOVE this, I guarantee it.
Sometimes I use wheat bread too, and Ezekiel bread is good - I used to buy it regularly. So, he will still like it on Ezekiel bread. But the reason I recommend White bread most is because the bread flavor doesn't interfere with the avocado, salt (and butter) flavor that way. But it's good on ANY kind of bread. I've had it on rye, wheat, sourdough, etc. I still think White is just a shade better, but it's not that important.
Stephen - We'll try it over the weekend "open-faced" style! I hope you're kidding about there being no such thing as "too much sodium." I seldom add salt to anything, though I do enjoy salty snacks like popcorn and pretzels. And when I do indulge, I always try to drink plenty of water afterwards. Thanks again, Stephen!Delete
Stephen (and Julie)~Delete
Have you ever tried slicing avocado, slicing portabella mushrooms, your favorite sliced cheese (probably a white cheese vs an orange one) though colby jack might be good (hmmm), and anything else that sounds good. Put it on your favorite bread or even sub sandwich bread. Wrap it in tin foil and bake it until the cheese melts. This is my all-time favorite sandwich and I've had it loaded so high I can barely get it in my mouth. I've also eaten it with just avocado and cheese. It's good any old way. Yum.
Robin - I want one now! I love mushrooms, and this sounds like a delicious combination. I wish you, and Stephen lived closer, so we could have an in person BOTA (Battle of the Avocados) to decide which avocado recipe tastes better! I hope Stephen reads this, and shares his thoughts. Thanks Robin!Delete
Finding this place for fun team building activities for work was the best thing that happened to us after the owner of our previously booked venue refused to answer any of our calls or emails after giving us completely stupid excuses.ReplyDelete
Vegetables and fruits are such a hassle for me to prepare. Well, not really if I take the time for it. I need to get more fresh stuff and start cooking healthy. A chopper would be a handy tool. Knives scare me sometimes. I envision all the stuff I just chopped up covered in my blood as I rush off to the hospital to have my finger reattached.ReplyDelete
Actually though I don't think we have any knives that sharp. Dull knives make chopping so much more difficult.
Funny post, but makes me kind of reevaluate my own cooking. Though I don't think of it for very long.
Tossing It Out
Julie ~ I bought a chopper similar to the one in the picture, though not exactly like it... back in the early 90s. That was when I was living with the fiance I never married... long story. Back to the chopper. So, after I got this chopper he became much more excited about helping in the kitchen. Every evening, when I started fixing dinner he came in and asked what needed to be chopped in the chopper. I started making things requiring chopping, because once I had in the kitchen he was MINE. After the chopping was done I could move him on to other tasks. In hindsight, I probably should have married him. He was 100 times better than my ex-husband... and not just at chopping. Ah well... I say use this penchant for cooking to your advantage. ::evil laugh::ReplyDelete
Phazer - Thanks?ReplyDelete
Lee - I wish that Robin had gotten here first, and then you would definitely want to buy a chopper! I also get nervous around sharp knives, and the dull ones are only useful for soft foods or spreads. I guess you stayed away from the knife throwers during your
juggling days! Take care of those fingers! Thanks Lee
Robin - It is sexy seeing a man work up a sweat from chopping or grilling! I'm glad he
was also gifted in other areas, and knew how to "multi-task!" Maybe your numbers have realigned, and it's time you got back in touch. I'm sorry things didn't work out before. I will definitely "use (my hubby's) penchant for cooking to my advantage!"
Sadly, this will probably revolve around the remote. May I still borrow your evil laugh? Thanks Robin!
BOTA - I like that. Especially because I would win.ReplyDelete
That sandwich sounds real good. I love cheese... and mushrooms too. In fact, beets, cucumbers, creamed corn, and popcorn-flavored jelly beans are about the only things I don't like.
You lose me though when you mention the oven. If it can't be done in a microwave, you can count me out. Sometimes even the microwave seems like too much trouble. I'm so low maintenance that I'm downright lazy.
You make the sandwich, mail it to me in May, June, July, August, September, or October, and it will be hot when it arrives at my house. Thanks!
'Loyal American Underground'
Julie, no, I wasn't kidding about the sodium. Think of how many times in our lifetime the so-called health "experts" have backtracked on things they've told us. This is bad for you, and that is good for you. Ten years later it's... Correction: This is good for you and that is bad for you. Ten more years and it's... Correction: Both are good for you in moderation.
Foods are just like politics: If the mainstream media says it, you can be sure there's another, more accurate side to the story.
Stephen - It just might be a close race for the BOTA! Robin's sandwich would probably also be good in a toaster oven if you have one. They key words are "in moderation," and that sounds reasonable to me, unless someone has specified dietary restrictions. Hope Robin mails you that sandwich!Delete
I heard on the Food Network today that the fastest way to ripen an avocado is to put it in a paper bag and store it in a dark place.ReplyDelete
It'd never work with me, though. Mrs. Penwasser says I'm plenty ripe already.
I tried to get one of those choppers, but either I got the wrong one or my chopping hand is too strong because it broke after about a month of use. Now I'm head chef AND chief bottle washer because I have to do everything by hand. And I don't have a single avocado to show for it. :(ReplyDelete
Al - Mrs Penwasser is a very wise woman! Thanks for your helpful suggestion!ReplyDelete
B & B - Sounds like you need a good pair of dishwashing gloves. Dry and calloused hands are not acceptable for a talented cartoon artist. I hope your hands are insured for more than the price of an avocado!
I'm relating to your kitchen battle, Julie. And anyone who snatches the ripe and ready avocado has penance to pay in our house. Thanks for the fun as always.ReplyDelete
LOL it cracked me up that the avocado was the thing your son has apologized so profusely for. I'd be kind of afraid of this chopper because somehow I know I would manage to lose my finger if I tried to use it.ReplyDelete
My husband doesn't do much cooking, but when he does he turns the kitchen into a huge mess! Haha! I guess you have to take the good with the bad. :)ReplyDelete
Great post, kiddo! I can always count on you for a laugh. (And now... avocado recipes, too!)ReplyDelete
I think those chopper gadgets are guy toys. Someone gave me one years ago, and I hated it. I have some good knives and cleavers, and prefer to do all my cutting and chopping the old-fashioned way. I can, however, imagine Smarticus getting a kick out of chopping the heck out of stuff with one of those gadgets. You know, making a reeeeeally good mess, and then leaving the kitchen. Probably wouldn't even eat the stuff he chopped. He'd much rather have a steak or some good seafood.
Lee - "Anyone who snatches the ripe and ready avocado has penance to pay at our house!" I could not have said this better myself. Darn you, Lee!ReplyDelete
Julie - The chopper has a protective dome over the blade, so it's pretty safe. As for the apology, my son knows how important my husband's vegetables are to him!
Daisy - Usually my husband takes the mess outside when he's grilling, so the squirrels and raccoon are there to pick up after him! Thanks goodness for dustbusters and Swiffers for the inside!
Susan - I would be a very good sport if they left a huge mess, and didn't bother to eat any of it! Your Smarticus would never do such a thing, but I wouldn't tempt fate by leaving the chopper in plain sight! Aren't the avocado recipes a kick? Ha, ha! Thanks Susan!
My husband learned how to set the timer on the oven yesterday. He stood by the door and watched the cookies get brown and lovely. He even took them out of the oven and lined them up in nice straight rows on the cooling rack. I was thinking it might be a good thing. After reading your piece I am wondering if it might be better not to let him learn more.ReplyDelete
Sounds like a poor excuse for over eating... :-) Seriously, I would like to get hold of one of those choppers myself.ReplyDelete
I've been teaching my husband to cook form my sick bed, its been hilarious! And I know what you mean about mess.
Thank you for sharing this very funny post.
Yvonne - Let him continue supervising your bakery. I would gladly trade the chopper for fresh baked cookies anyday!ReplyDelete
Maria - I'm sorry that you are bedridden, and hope you're feeling better soon. Glad you still haven't lost your sense of humor, or your appetite! Thanks Maria! Take care of yourself!
looks like a amazing device :)ReplyDelete
lets follow eachother! just let me know and I will follow back :)
Nice to meet you, Angela! I'll return the visit soon!Delete
Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problemReplyDelete
not learn, so enjoy it :)
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Syaraf Kejepit Dan Akibatnya
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شراء عفش مستعملReplyDelete