Wednesday, February 18, 2015
The Choo-Choo Jumped The Track: A Terminal Online Dating Drama
My dear divorced friend decided to heed my advice by joining an online dating service after her recent breakup. Thus far, she has had less than satisfactory results.
My friend got off to a great start with a man who seemed easy to talk to. Soon they exchanged phone numbers, so they could schedule a time to meet. He sent her a text saying he would get back to her after he went to a family friend's funeral. She expressed how sorry she was, and mentioned how nice it was that he had shared so many memories with his childhood friend's father. He thanked her, and forwarded photos of the threesome during happier times.
Next, they tried to set up a place to meet, and the conversation changed directions. "You seem to have it all together and look good. Most intelligent/successful ladies enjoy all except the physical requirements..." Then he started in about steering away from separated women, as he had been "burned" by them in the past. In the midst of this discombobulated diatribe, he sent her a photo of his granddaughter. He concluded by texting, " Sweet dreams Anna."*
My friend simply replied, "My name is not Anna." Suddenly it hit him, "UGH...Audrey. Sweet dreams, Audrey."
Later, my friend tried to clear up the separation issue. "I think you must be thinking about another woman you are talking with. My profile says I'm divorced. Please get your profiles straight. I have no time for this." Keep in mind that my friend used no exclamation points in her texts, indicating she was very calm and cool throughout.
This sent him off into a tailspin. "When I become as organized as you and mistake free, I will consider myself perfect. Yes, I had a long emotional day and thank you for slamming my mistakes in my face from one day of Internet chatting!!! I hate making an error; however when someone so ruthlessly perfect and dictates my screw up over and over again is the sign of a self-centered person I choose not to have anything to do with! You make me feel as I cheated on you from one day of chatting!!!! I'm not into childish games or drama. So I totally screwed (word substitution) up and you won! However lost a chance at the best guy there is. Bye Miss Perfect and again thanks for making me fell like a total...."*
I guess we're allowed to fill in the blank of our choosing. He either stormed off or passed out mid-sentence. We can safely assume that whatever he wanted to say would end in at least three exclamation points. Personally, I don't like to exceed two in any given conversation.
For his grand finale, he sent her a selfie of his naked backside. My friend couldn't help but notice he had no tan lines. Maybe he had fallen asleep once too often in the tanning bed.
The next day he sent her an apology. She responded, "I appreciate the sentiment. Take care of your grieving friend, and all the best."
Then he said, "Wish we could start over."
He tried again five hours later, "What do you think?"
After no response, he sent another message six hours later, "Is that a no?"
*These paragraphs have been unedited for my amusement. Regrettably, I assume full responsibility for all other errors.
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Oh my gosh. You're funny with that last bit you wrote.ReplyDelete
I have a buddy going through the same thing.
Wow~ That's one for going off the handle. Good on your friend for showing him her back. :PReplyDelete
lmao internet dating is the pits. Maybe he has no tan lines because he is always running around with his pants down due to the umm errr $***s!!!ReplyDelete
Goodbye and good riddance to that guy! Good for your friend.ReplyDelete
Ivy - Hope your buddy has better luck. Thanks Ivy!ReplyDelete
nj - Technically, he showed her his backside. She's still trying to erase that orange image!
Pat - Maybe that's why their conversation kept breaking up. Now I almost feel sorry for the guy
Carol - Yes, she has so much to offer, yet she keeps meeting Mr. Wrong!
It was a super rough start for her. She got stood up on New Year's, to boot. But this past two weeks, she's been dating a new dude, and they're having fun.Delete
But the drama to get to him, she didn't enjoy.
And listening to her stories, made me extra, extra happy to be married and not in the dating game.
Horrible, out there. Wishing your friend the best.
I have a friend who acquired an on-line boyfriend a year ago January. I listened to all the wonderful new boyfriend news, then the new boyfriend troubles, then the new boyfriend, for want of a better word, bullshit. I didn't hear about the new boyfriend, so about November I asked, "Oh, I deleted and blocked him." Did I mention she's pretty cool.ReplyDelete
Ivy - How dreadful that she was stood up on New Year's! I'm glad that loser is out of her life, and hope she meets someone who treats her right. We're both very lucky not to have to worry about this stuff.ReplyDelete
Joanne - Yep, that's the new thing to "block" people when the relationship is over. It sounds like your friend will be strong enough to move on to the next boyfriend soon. Good luck to her as well!
She did, the guy from the last two weeks. They've been having a great time.Delete
Great God Almighty. I found Willy Dunne Wooters on OKCupid. At first I didn't want to go out with him because I thought he looked like Captain Kangaroo and might bring Mr. Green Jeans along for a threesome. I'm glad I changed my mind. He doesn't look like Captain Kangaroo. He is a sweetheart. We will have two years together in May.ReplyDelete
Jeez, I'm sorry I'm not perfect just because I can't remember your name, Miss Perfect! I mean, what am I, a walking rolodex? Who remembers people's names, anyway? I mean, am I right, Jolene or Jane or Steve or whatever your name is?ReplyDelete
Wow, what a goober. I'd consider that a bullet dodged.
I met my wife through online dating but I don't think that's necessarily the norm. The amount of crazies I had to deal with before landing her was hilarious. Like the woman who sat down at the table and the first words out of her mouth were "I'm just gonna lay this out now. I'm turning 30 in November. When I do, I plan to be married, and I plan to have a baby. Whether you're that man or not is up to you, but there is no negotiating on this." Then she relaxed in her chair and said, "Okay, now the date can begin."
And to think, most people would just say hi.
I think I'd exit stage left.Delete
What did you do after she said that?Delete
I smiled awkwardly and said, "Funny, I think it just ended." She got offended, left in a huff, and I sat awkwardly sipping my coffee.Delete
Twenty minutes later she sent me a text message and said she was sorry for storming out and that she "may have come on a bit too strong" but now that we've "both cooled off" she wanted to know if I still wanted to give things a chance.
I did not reply.
B & B - You handled it perfectly! Glad you nipped it in the bud, and didn't reply when she realized what she was missing twenty minutes later! Any correspondence could've led to a Fatal Attraction scenario. This would make an interesting post for A Beer For The Shower! Thanks for coming back to finish the story!Delete
Janie - I'm glad you and WDW found each other! I've heard some great stories about couples meeting online, unfortunately, this wasn't one of them. I remember Captain Kangaroo and Mr. Greenjeans! Ha ha! They were quite a dynamic duo! Congrats on your upcoming anniversary!ReplyDelete
B & B - He was a real "goober," but your experience was much worse, cause it happened in person! What a nutcase! How wonderful that you met your wife online! I met my husband through an old fashioned dating service straight out of Fiddler On The Roof! "Matchmaker, matchmaker..."
So I guess he wasn't Mr. Right.ReplyDelete
This makes me glad I am married.
I know someone who went on line dating, all went well, months later they set up home together, again all was well, then two years later he changed for the worse, she suffered verbal, mental and physical abuse, they have split up now, she is now moving after he got her evicted. Yes folk that someone is ME.. Be careful with on line dating some work out well and others not so good.ReplyDelete
My word, what an excitable fellow! Your friend missed the chance of dating a toddler in a man's body. Is she going to share the picture of his naked butt? If someone gives you a present you're entitled to use it.ReplyDelete
Arleen - Yes, we usually don't have to worry about temper tantrums, and sickening selfies whenever there's a game on TV, or a good meal to be eaten. And our husbands probably feel the same way about us!ReplyDelete
Yvonne - I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I knew you were looking for a place, but didn't know any of the horrific details. I hope you find a new home soon, and stay as far away from that evil man as possible. Take care of yourself, Yvonne!
Gorilla - He did behave like a "toddler in a man's body!" My dear friend is too classy to ever share that photo. I'm sure she deleted it right after he sent it.
That sounds scary. Hope she's shaken him off!ReplyDelete
I think getting someone's name wrong in any situation is quite rude, especially if you react like that!ReplyDelete
There are crazy people all over the net, not just dating sites though. I met my other half online, so it can't be all bad!
I think she may have dodged a bullet with that one.ReplyDelete
I have a friend who thought she found someone really nice who totally went nuts on her but then realized his mistake. But she didn't take him back. And then she found someone that even matched her better. I'm probably going to start online dating next August and hope to find someone like Nick did.ReplyDelete
whoa - takes all kinds in this world. I think she showed class in dealing with that nutter. I wish her all the best in the dating world. No doubt, you have to throw a lot of fish back into the sea before a good catch.ReplyDelete
On-line dating has hit a new low with this one. This was wonderful.ReplyDelete
Susan - Fortunately, my friend has a great sense of humor, and wanted me to share her story! She was never a "Woe is me" kinda gal. Thanks Susan!Delete
Rosalind - She's definitely shaken him off! She's five foot nothing and tough as nails!ReplyDelete
Nick - You are absolutely right! My friend just found a lemon, but you never know what the next person will be like. I'm so glad you and your wife found each other!
Alex - It would've been much worse if this had happened in person, or didn't come out until later in the relationship.
Natalie - I'm sure you'll have better luck like Nick did. This was just one of the worst scenarios. Good luck Natalie!
Joanne - She's cute, witty, and classy, and deserves so much more. I'm confident she'll catch a much better fish soon! Thanks Joanne!
She just got rid of one...why on earth would she want to replace it?ReplyDelete
Seriously, start over? At least she found out he was a psycho early on and didn't waste too much time on him. Tell her not to give up, I met my wonderful hubby from an ad he placed. There are good guys out there, just have to dig through the sludge.ReplyDelete
I'll bet that guy has a shovel that doesn't go all the way to the coal pile. Unfortunately, she has to dig through the horse manure before she finds a pony.ReplyDelete
Holy moly, Julie. At least she found out about him sooner rather than later!ReplyDelete
"Sweet dreams Anna."ReplyDelete
Should be a comma after "dreams".
"When I become as organized as you and mistake free,
I would have hyphenated "mistake-free".
"I will consider myself perfect. Yes, I had a long emotional day
Should be a comma after "long".
"and thank you for slamming my mistakes in my face from one day of Internet chatting!!! I hate making an error; however when someone so ruthlessly perfect and dictates my screw up
Bad word choice: "dictates". How about "spotlights" or "points out"?
"Screw up" should be written as one word or else hyphenated.
"over and over again is the sign of a self-centered person
He missed the "it" before the word "is".
"I choose not to have anything to do with! You make me feel as I cheated on you from one day of chatting!!!!
He missed the "if" after the word "as".
"I'm not into childish games or drama. So I totally screwed (word substitution) up and you won! However lost a chance at the best guy there is.
He dropped the "you" before the word "lost".
"Bye Miss Perfect and again thanks for making me fell like a total...."*
I believe it should be "goodbye" or "good-bye" or "'bye" (indicated the missing "good"). "Feel" is not spelled with two "L"s and only one "E".
And I was a straight C student in English all through high school. Imagine how many errors I might have found if I were literate!
He's right when he admits to not being perfect. (He won't be perfect for quite awhile.) And I'd bet the farm that he's not really "the best guy there is".
'Loyal American Underground'
He REALLY wrote "I hate making an error"?Delete
Wow! That's a lotta hate he must be "felling".
Oh my! This was fun as well as realistic post. And the comments...ReplyDelete
Delores - You are hysterical!ReplyDelete
Rhonda - Back in high school, would you have ever dreamed your life would be such an adventure? You definitely found a great catch, and I'm sure she will too! Hopefully, her sludge shoveling days are behind her!
JJ - Pretty soon she's gonna have Michelle Obama arms from all of that digging! You always crack me up, JJ!
Ava - It's true. Most people don't show their true colors before the first date.
Stephen - If they ever let you out of the funny farm, you'd be the first person I'd want to fix my friend up with! This was hilarious! Thank goodness you've let all of my grammatical errors go; though, you would make one heck of an editor! Thanks again for sparing my fellings, Stephen!
Nas - My friend will LOVE reading the comments! Thanks Nas!
GEM JULIE ~Delete
Ha! Thanks for the wunderfull kompliment. I dont no the first think about you're friend, but i'm asumming that was a grate kompliment.
Bye the way, I'm skeduled for releese from the funny farm on February 31st. So if you're friend is stil avalable then, ask her to mention my name in Sheboygan.
And don't worry Julie i would never dictate any errors i saw in your righting because I would NEVER want to hurt your fellings.
'Loyal American Underground'
Stephen - Great news about February 31st! I didn't realize it was Leap, Leap, Leap Year again! I meant it as a compliment, as you're both very entertaining!Delete
Oh boy! I was laughing out loud at that idiot she, thankfully, did not meet. He is on a list of "wacko jacko's". Thanks for the laughReplyDelete
Birgit - He was a genuine "Wacko Jacko!" You found the perfect name for him! Thank YOU, Birgit!Delete
That was a humorous, but somewhat sad interchange. I sure wouldn't want to be looking for someone, but internet does open up greater realms of possibilities for someone like me. I just don't care to find out.ReplyDelete
A to Z Challenge Co-host
Tossing It Out
I loved Stephen's editing comment. For your friend...well, let's just be glad he showed that "side" of himself before she'd invested any more time in him.ReplyDelete
WOW - sounds like she dodged a bullet with that whacko...ReplyDelete
Lee - It's a little easier to laugh about, because this happened before they even met. There are lots of possibilities online. Thank goodness we don't have to find out.ReplyDelete
LD - Stephen is hilarious! I'm so glad I'm on his good side, for now! Speaking of "sides," who knows what other personalities my friend would've had to deal with!
Keith - I couldn't agree more!
I think there was a typo in that poster. He doesn't eat "kittens." Which I would think would make him a front-runner.ReplyDelete
Oh, my, now THAT was crude and uncalled for.
I haven't laughed that hard in a while.ReplyDelete
That reminded me of a comment my ex-husband made to me post-divorce (and in person). I don't know what I said, but it was probably something to the effect of: "No, we're not getting back together. Not ever. Ever. As in ever."
And he said: "You'll never meet another man who'll love you like I do."
And I thought, but didn't say: "Thank God. I don't think I could live through it again."
But he was wrong. And so was I. I did meet another man who loved me like he did. And I did live through it. Does that make us both imperfect idiots? Or him an idiot and me imperfect? I'm not clear on it. This guy has my internal wheels spinning with his reply.
Al - That's surprising coming from you, "Mr. Perfect!"ReplyDelete
Robin - Glad that jerk brought back such happy memories for you! You were smart for ending your marriage. He was an idiot for not appreciating how lucky he was to have you. Nobody's perfect, but you deserve someone who loves you, and treats you with respect.
Got nothing against it but... not for me. I'm too old-fashioned, I suppose...
Really not a good advert for internet dating! Think it's good that he showed his true colours early and your friend got out of it :) Must admit though, as an uninvolved party - it was funny to read ;) xReplyDelete
Dream guy's temper tantrum at the start of their relationship was the best thing that could have happened to your friend. She was able to cut him loose from the get-go and eliminate lots of unwanted drama. It's a tough world out there and everyone's got baggage. Lots to weed through!ReplyDelete
Oy vey, the exhaustion of attempting to simply engage in discourse with a deranged man balancing a chip on his shoulder the size of Mt. Everest. Been there, done that. Send your friend over to my blog for a chuckle or two, Julie - at least, she'll know she's not alone wading through the muddy end of the dating swamp. My sympathies to her. (I mean, I'm not there now, but I've spent much of my life there.)ReplyDelete
Michelle - Fortunately, my friend doesn't scare easily. There have been many successful online dating stories, but she hasn't had one yet.ReplyDelete
Suzanne - "Audrey" has such a great sense of humor. She asked me to share her outrageous story in the hope of cheering up those who have had similar experiences.
Kim - It really was for the best, as I'm sure this was a sign of the excessive baggage he
has accumulated over the years! Great point, Kim!
Robyn - If only George had a twin brother! I will tell her all about your hilarious blog,
I was particularly fond of the last exchange--well, his comments with her no come backs. As always you've managed to dive into the human comedy and make be laugh.ReplyDelete
Sounds like he's a little slow to catch on. Your friend got out just in time, I think. Yikes!ReplyDelete
Lee - My friend supplied with me with some great material! She even thought of using the clever title from the hit musical, Chicago! Thanks Lee!ReplyDelete
Daisy - And that was only one of his faults! "Yikes" is right!
OY! Sounds like you friend was very lucky to discover what a goober that guy was that early. Can you IMAGINE what he might have been if she'd ever actually gone OUT with him???ReplyDelete
One of my friends tried the online dating stuff for a while, too, and she had a lot of hilarious ( to me) encounters. One of the guys she met in person immediately came after her, all "handsy", with mouth wide open, like a shark coming in to take a chunk out of her mouth. She said she had no idea men in their seventies could still act like that... (He musta taken a double dose of Viagra before meeting with her...)
Susan - Your friend's hilarious story just gave me an idea for my next blog post! Now I can't get the Jaws shark approaching theme song out of my head! That man deserved to be harpooned! Thanks Susan!Delete
Honestly it seems like your friend lucked out by getting to see what a psycho this guy is before she actually met up with him. Good grief!ReplyDelete
I think my favorite part of his whole diatribe is saying she missed a chance with the greatest guy there is. LOL LOL.
Julie - The funny thing was that she couldn't wait to tell me that she had "great material" for my blog! She really did get to see him at what he probably considered, "his best!" Thanks Julie!Delete
The internet is a weird place to meet weirdos. Thanks for sharing this story. Had a good laugh. :)ReplyDelete
Dropping back in to say Hi and read all comments.ReplyDelete
SuperLux - There is definitely no shortage of weirdos on the Internet, but there are still plenty of good ones out there too! Thanks SL!ReplyDelete
Nas - It's great to see you again! This topic really struck a chord, and these are some of the best comments ever! Thanks Nas!