A Very Polyamorous Thanksgivukkah

jewishjournal.com

I decided to give my husband an early Hanukkah present, and he couldn't have been more delighted. My husband met the woman who would change our lives at our synagogue during Saturday morning Shabbat services. Soon she began saving a seat for him, and they would join in prayer while I slept in. They shared many common interests like bike riding, and going to sporting events. Our boys loved her cooking, and enjoyed her vast knowledge of sports trivia. She even impressed my mom, "Why can't you make a left turn without a stoplight? We're never late when your husband's lover takes me to appointments, and she brings better snacks. Oh, and that soft, silky skin. The woman simply glows. You know, I don't think I ever gave your husband enough credit."  It was time to take the next step.

She officially moved in with us a few weeks ago. We quickly settled into a comfortable routine. When our son came home for Thanksgivukkah break, she didn't mind going from room to room gathering up his clothing. She even convinced him to make his bed without raising her voice. Our son was thrilled that she made all of his favorite dishes for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It stung a little the first time he called her mom and me Mrs. Pick, but I was too full to fret over it.

Since she was busy cooking, cleaning, and raising our son, I had to bring something to the table. I thought long and hard about what I could contribute to our polyamorous relationship. As she was preparing our Thanksgivukkah feast, I generously offered to give her the night off.

After our son went out for the evening, I invited our husband upstairs while I casually slipped into my sexy long flannel nightgown with matching tube socks. Then I put on his favorite TV shows, and was ready for action. Each time he said 'what' or 'hmm..,' I delivered the actor's lines with reckless abandon. I even watched him play with the remote while he cranked up the volume. Earlier in the day I had his polyamorous partner carry up the mini fridge from the basement where I loaded it with his favorite food, and drink. He couldn't have been happier, as he lay giggling in our king size buffet.

Strange thoughts started going through my head while I tossed and turned. How were we going to arrange our cemetery plots? The odds were that I would die first. Would I simply be cast aside at one end of the cemetery, while they would spend eternity together?  And if our husband went first, would she continue to cook, clean, and move furniture around for me? Were we destined to become a couple of old maids together though she was technically older, and a much better maid?

Just as I was about to drift off into sleep, I woke up in a cold sweat to the sound of the burglar alarm. I ran downstairs, and almost tripped on our son's hat, gloves and shoes that were sprinkled like bread crumbs leading to the back door. The wind had blown the garage door open which set off the alarm while the boys slept. There was no polyamorous Mary Poppins to clean up the mess, and phone the alarm company. I didn't get my Thanksgivukkah wish after all. Boy was my mom going to be disappointed.

Forking Over The Perfect Holiday Gift

                      

Every year it seems that the holiday shopping rush begins earlier and earlier. Now there is the added pressure of an event that has not occurred since 1888; where Thanksgiving and the first day of Hanukkah collide. Thanksgivukkah is upon us, thus creating a new shopping frenzy. Instead of  getting into the holiday spirit by searching for the perfect turkey menorah, I decided to look for the latest  innovation from the Brookstone catalog.

The ad that caught my eye was for an electronic fork that helps you, "eat slowly, cut calories and feel great. The HAPIfork alerts you with vibration and LED lights when you're eating too fast. It also measures how long it took you to eat your meal, the amount of fork servings per minute and more. Upload information via Bluetooth to your smartphone so you can track your progress." 

The HAPIfork video shows an attractive mom who is enjoying herself at lunch with friends, and dinner with family. The whole family was counting their calories together at dinner with their colorful HAPIforks, but I couldn't help but wonder what would happen to the other family members outside the safety of their own home.

Any boy who brought his HAPIfork to school would be at high risk in the cafeteria. Other boys would notice his fork lighting up, and he would be ridiculed for days. The worst scenario would be if after he was attacked on the playground, he realized that he had accidentally thrown out his $99.99 fork in his paper lunch bag, and came home to another round of fighting.

What if this unfortunate boy had a twenty seven year old brother who relocated to a small town for a new job? In order to meet girls he signed up for a dating service, and tried hard to stay in shape. He arranges a date with the girl of his dreams, and takes her to the nicest restaurant in town. The conversation and wine are flowing smoothly until the salads are brought out. Then she notices that his fork is vibrating and lighting up. When he explains that he is simply trying to eat smarter, she looks at him like he's nuts.

Then his boss approaches him on his way to his table. "Nice toy you got there Brody. This looks like something that a man would need if he can't think for himself. Maybe something that your mom got for you? (Brody nods)  I thought so. Since you must really miss her, why don't you fly home to spend Thanksgivukkah with your family. Take all the time you need, 'cause your job will NOT be waiting for you when you get back."

When the bill arrives, he realizes that he barely has enough cash to pay for it. Brody would've asked his date to pitch in, but finally caught on that she wasn't still in the ladies room.  He works out a deal with the restaurant manager...

While he's finishing up washing the dishes, one of the other employees notices the HAPIfork. Brody pretends that he doesn't know where it came from, but the bus boy tells everyone who it belongs to. On his way home, they jump him in the alley, and beat the fork out of him.