Saturday, April 11, 2015
My friend's neighbor Jay was summoned for jury duty. He desperately wanted to get out of it, so he called his lawyer for help. When his lawyer said there was nothing he could do, he called his brother. After Jay told him that things were hectic at work, and he couldn't possibly take time off, they decided to come up with a plan.
The brothers wrote a fictitious letter to the Jury Commissioner detailing every reason they could think of to make it physically impossible for Jay to serve as a juror. This letter described symptoms that would make the entire courtroom gasp, including everything from chronic diarrhea, to uncontrollable nose bleeds. Their doctor was a close family friend, and after several shots of Jack Daniels, he agreed to sign the letter.
A few days before jury selection, Jay was instructed to report to the judge for a personal interview. He was a nervous wreck thinking he was about to be arrested for perjury. He couldn't stop shaking as he was getting dressed, and quickly drove off to the courthouse. While he was driving, his stomach started gurgling, as he heard a police siren. He began slowing down, as the squad car went after someone else.
When he arrived in the judge's chambers, he was sweating profusely and out of breath. Then the judge took one look at him, and told him he was free to go.
Suddenly, the cloud was lifted, and he happily drove home to tell his wife. She was shaving her legs in the bathtub when he told her the good news. When she looked up at him, she screamed. He ran over to see what was wrong, and noticed his shirt collar was covered in blood. He didn't even realize that he had nicked his nose while shaving. Smiling, Jay took off his shirt and explained what had happened. Then his wife advised him to also change his pants. Apparently his stomach wasn't just gurgling.
*A repost from 2011.