Courage in Constipation

The pain was throbbing.
From side to back.
Sharp and piercing.
All systems under attack.

It hurt to stand,
Or sit or walk.
Suddenly stooped over,
Mouth tasted like chalk.

Off to the hospital,
What could it be?
Was it her gallbladder?
Or did she need an appendectomy?

After hours of tests,
They handed her a bottle.
"Drink this for constipation.
It will have you moving full throttle."

Surrounded by gun shot wounds,
Burn victims and battered hos.
She became known in the ER,
As the girl who couldn't go.

Constipation Corner

                                                                  


Host: Welcome to Constipation Corner. My guest today is Dr. Clyde Colon, I mean Collin. The author of Better Methods or BM's For Dummies. (holds up the book) Tell us about your book Clyde.

Guest:  It offers suggestions for battling constipation which involve drinking plenty of water, and eating a diet rich in fiber.

Host:  Wait a minute. That's not your picture on the back cover. Who are you?

Guest:  Well, Dr. Collin asked me to fill in for him, but I am in chapter 9 of the book.

Host:  (flips through the pages) You're in the chapter about unorthodox remedies?

Guest:  Yes, I have a very long twisted colon, so I have to work harder to release the toxins from my body, Diet isn't always enough, so I jump up and down, stand on my head and squawk like a bird.

Host:  And this helps you?

Guest:  Yes, but the problem is that I never know when it's going to kick in.

Host:  Does this affect your work?

Guest:  Actually, I'm lucky to be in a very conducive work environment.

Host:  What do you do?

Guest:  I'm a men's room attendant at the hotel across the street. That's how I met Two-ply, I mean Dr. Collin. As a matter of fact, he's in stall number three right now. I suggested a mini-cam, but he sent me instead.

Host:  So he suffers from constipation too?

Guest: Doesn't everybody?

Host:  So if he can't even help himself, why should we buy his book, and has this Dr. Collin even written anything else?

Guest:  Yes, but his lawyers said not to mention the other titles. He's doing much better now thanks to   Alex J. Cavanaugh,   and the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Whenever we're feeling all tense and bound for failure, Captain Cavanaugh is always there to help us flush out ideas without straining. He really keeps the group running on the first Wednesday of each month. Well, I gotta go.

Host:  Are you heading over to the IWSG meeting?

Guest:  That's later today, but I really gotta go now before something... (he races off)

Host:  Hmm...maybe it's worth a try. (Then she jumps up and down, stands on her head, and squawks like a bird while loud fireworks sound off behind her. She turns bright red and sprints off the stage.)
             
                                                                          

Chronic Constipation

It starts with bloating,
While the food is floating,
Round and round, as the cycle begins.

Your system is disrupted,
As your movements are obstructed,
What should go out, is settling back in.

Your mind is turning into mush,
Amidst your stomach wrestling with your tush,
In this bout where nobody wins.

Fiberific fortitude never have your fill,
Metamucil cocktails served on the treadmill,
Omissions are released, though results are nil.

Bound by endless consternation,
From the effects of chronic constipation.
When the toll is taking its course,
Never fear as relief appears in your shorts.