As I'm flipping through the paper looking for ideas, I hear a shift in the wind. Then the phone rings and I can't find the receiver. By the time I realize it's hidden underneath the newspapers, it stops ringing. I check the caller ID, and it reads "Private Caller." What if it's my agent calling, and I missed it? What if they cast the wrong actress to play the lead in the movie version of my bestseller? Why couldn't they bother to leave a message? The wind picks up, and suddenly I'm wide awake.
It's four in the morning, and I can't fall back asleep. The bedroom is freezing cold, so I put on a robe over my nightgown, and climb under the covers. I'm anxious to get back to my dream to find out who the mystery caller is.
Just as I'm about to doze off, the wind starts blowing harder. When I turn in the opposite direction my husband's snoring is gaining momentum, and I'm faced with a cross-current draft of epic proportions. Unfortunately, this bitter breeze lingers, leaving me with nowhere to turn.
I fight off the urge to take a pillow to put an end to my suffering by offering a few gentle kicks instead. The snoring continues. Then I roll him over on his other side. Now wind gusts are causing debilitating air pressure. Fed up, I grab the baseball bat from under the bed and start swinging.
I wake up covered in sweat, so I take off the blanket along with the robe. With years of practice, I can accomplish these tasks in complete darkness. Comfy in a dry nightgown with my purring man by my side, I try to go back to sleep. Soon the leaves start rattling on the trees, and my feet are freezing cold. I put socks on, and long to finally return to my dream.
The phone rings twice before I answer it. It's Alex calling to remind me about the Insecure Writer's Support Group. He says that he spoke to the warden, and they've agreed to let me submit my story from my prison cell. I look down at the bloody baseball bat, as I hear the police sirens. Then I ask Alex how he knew, and he just laughs that laugh of his. Before hanging up, he says something about a cold front coming in, and suggests that I wear layers.
so glad i read this after your last post. cracked me up! thanks!!ReplyDelete
I've had dreams like that and woken in a sweat too! Aren't dreams weird! Maybe we should set up an interpret my dreams support group... or maybe you were just kidding and didn't have the dream at all! So it's just me, right?ReplyDelete
THANK YOU! You made me laugh. I so much needed it. This post ended up being support to me. :)ReplyDelete
I've had thoughts of battering the hubs with a baseball bat but I wasn't asleep...had to use some self control.ReplyDelete
High-larious Julie. It is amazing how far our brains will go, assuming that was slightly true to life of course. And, might I say, a very good use of present tense. It added a dream-like stream of consciousness flavor to the piece. Stop by the nut-tree for more on THAT fascinating subject --if you'd like. I'll have a cuppa waiting for you.ReplyDelete
Tara - I thought I should lighten things up a bit. Thanks Tara!ReplyDelete
Rosalind - I was kidding about the dream, but I'm always fluctuating between hot and cold. Your dreams are much more interesting than mine Rosalind, but the support group is a great idea!
Al - Thanks so much! Hope everything is okay Al!
Delores - I admire your restraint!
Jill - Thanks for your words of encouragement! I can't wait to see what you've written Jill!
haha! Awesome post. I love how it's so much like Inception - dreams within dreams!ReplyDelete
That. Was. Awesome!! And timely for me, I'm afraid. I nearly took a bat to my hubs last night. And he wonders why I need naps during the day. Sheesh! Maybe we can be cellmates.ReplyDelete
This is so clever, Julie. I understood it all, identified with it all.ReplyDelete
Nutschell - Though I'm not in a league with Inception, I appreciate your kind words!ReplyDelete
Nancy - It would be fun if you could decorate the cell, and we could start a critique group! Thanks Nancy!
Susan - I don't know whether to thank you or be in fear of you!
Instead of a Hawaii vacation, I'll join you in Sing Sing. If Nancy comes, well have a party in our layers.ReplyDelete
It sounds like a normal night!ReplyDelete
Sounds like a plan Lee. I can't think of a better place for a good night's sleep.ReplyDelete
Anon - For the most part, though I sleep in low-cut socks in the summer.
This made me laugh from the start LOL. Whenever I get a call from a "private caller" I always wonder if it's the studio wanting to buy the movie rights to my book. :DReplyDelete
I'm so glad that Alex worked his magic so you could submit this story and share it with us!
Sweet! Very nicely done!ReplyDelete
Hahahahaha. I'm still laughing. That was hilarious. And you've been reading WAY too many blogs. :PReplyDelete
Julie - Alex always comes through! Thanks for co-hosting and I can't wait for tomorrow!ReplyDelete
Luanne - Are you implying that I'm the slightest bit sleep deprived? Glad this made you laugh Luanne!
That's hysterical! I can so relate to the tactics we use to minimize "his" snoring:)ReplyDelete
That's a great one. more more more!!! I almost thought this was true and was going to suggest separate bedrooms. You had me fooled.ReplyDelete
That was incredibly dark, atmospheric and clever! Yes, write more. Just don't tell anyone how I know...ReplyDelete
My lips are sealed Alex. Thanks for another great IWSG!Delete
MJ - Sorry that you also have to deal with a partner who snores. Just don't reach for a baseball bat, as the clean up is a real struggle! Thanks MJ!ReplyDelete
Mary - The snoring part was true, but some nights are worse than others. Thanks Mary!
Alex: the omniscient presence behind it all. I loved this, Julie, and I was laughing out loud as soon as I got to the baseball bat. You're always serving up doses of fun.ReplyDelete
This is a real compliment coming from you Robyn, as I always look forward to your entertaining stories. Thank you!Delete
This was great!ReplyDelete
Ha, very entertaining! Thanks for the laugh. I hope my snoring doesn't ever have this effect on my wife.ReplyDelete
Very clever and imaginative. Don't forget your 'cell phone' in your cell. Could be quite handy for perhaps another phone call from some dude named Alex who seems to be everywhere. Sometimes I worry, he seems to comment on my blog seconds after its published.ReplyDelete
With that, must go and stop the darn dog from snoring! :)
Nick - Maybe you could buy your wife some earplugs to play it safe. Thanks Nick!ReplyDelete
Gary - We just have to be thankful that Alex uses his powers for good! Penny is too cute to snore. Thanks Gary!
that was BAN-AN-AS!! he calls me everynight too, but to tell me i left my $1million at his house again...i really gotta go get it :DReplyDelete
Tammy - Between Alex's co-hosts and clones, I'm sure your fortune is being safely guarded! I do like bananas, but I gravitate more toward nuts.Delete
So, which prison is it that you are sitting in? Glad they give you internet access.ReplyDelete
PS: I loved this post. Thanks for the laughs
I'm at Sing Sing with Nancy and Lee. You're invited too. Do you mind baking a cake? Thanks Rhonda!ReplyDelete
Just what I needed. A healthy dose of laughter!ReplyDelete
I hope it will get easier over time Wendy.Delete
Julie: You better come visit us in St. Augustine. I can't help the dreams, but at least you won't have to dress in layers.ReplyDelete
Thanks for your very generous offer JJ!Delete
I just happened to be here.
An interesting piece indeed
And ha, of course Alex, yet
another vital part of the
great challenge called a-z
Nice to meet you Phil. Thanks for stopping by.Delete
Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)ReplyDelete
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