Saturday, April 25, 2015

The Vanity Game


A heavyset man walks out of the shower at the gym. After he finishes drying off, he throws the towel on the floor, and starts walking toward his locker. Then he bumps into an acquaintance, and proceeds to have a lengthy conversation with him, and two other clothed men.

Forty five minutes later, a young man barges in with a TV crew. He approaches the naked man and says, "You're it!" The man looks for a towel, and tries to cover up with a dirty sweat sock from the floor. "Oh, don't worry about that. We'll just shoot you from above the waist. Will somebody bring him a towel? Doesn't mean I need to look at it though." The camera starts rolling, as the conversation continues.

Naked Guy: What's going on?

Host: This is a pilot for a new game show that's a combination of  Candid Camera, Punk'd, and America's Funniest Home Videos.

Naked Guy: (tightening his towel)  I don't feel comfortable being seen without my clothes on.

Host: That's funny 'cause we know you've been talking to your buddies over here wearing nothing but deodorant. And this isn't the first time. We have footage of you for months on end. Some days you just head right to the showers, and don't even pretend to workout.

Naked Guy: How do you know all this? Who sent you here?

(Camera pans to the door as his wife walks in. She's all decked out in designer yoga attire, shiny bling, and a spray tan.)

Vanessa: Hello Victor.

Naked Guy: I knew this was a setup. What do you want from me?

Vanessa: Just keep embarrassing yourself, and when you win the prize I'll give you a divorce.

Host: What are you planning on doing with the prize money Vanessa?

Vanessa: Oh a nip here, a tuck there. Victor says I don't need these things, but what does he know? He's all washed up. (the crew laughs)

Naked Guy: Look at her. She's already beautiful. Her vanity has gotten the best of her.

Vanessa: I'm not vain, I'm practical. And what about you?

Naked Guy: I'm standing here naked in front of millions of viewers. There's not a vain bone in my body.

Host: Well, let's not forget this is cable...

Vanessa: What about all of your manscaping? You could spend hours plucking and trimming your chest, but you let your ear hair run wild.

Naked Guy: After my lousy haircut grows out, you won't even see my ear hair.

Vanessa: But I'll know it's there. And what about all of your facials, as well as your weekly pedicures?

Naked Guy: Well look at me. You know I can barely reach my toes. I just try to look nice for you.

Vanessa: Then why did we join a health club if you won't even use the equipment?

Naked Guy: I knew YOU wanted to join. I tried a few times, but I started huffing and puffing so loudly that I thought I was going to explode. Not to mention how much I was sweating. Even old ladies laughed at me when I had trouble keeping up with them on the treadmill.  I didn't want to drag my vivacious wife down with me. (Vanessa moves closer, and takes his hand.)

Host: Okay, we are done here people. (motions to crew) Stop rolling.

Vanessa: So did I win the prize?

Host: You won big time, and it's all wrapped up in that nice, fluffy towel.


  1. Nice ending. It is good to read a story that ends well.

  2. Funny. Although no way would I just walk around naked like that.

  3. Awwww from me too. Poor man needs to use the gym properly by the sound of it.

  4. Sorry, can't get past that cartoon at the beginning, LOL! Who blowdries their pubes, fergawdssakes?

  5. NOW(!!!) she gives me pictures.

    GEM JULIE, what are we gonna do with you? :-)

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

    1. Silly Stephen! Go directly to the letter "U," and see the photo I added especially for you! You might like it slightly better.


  6. The sad thing - it's probably a true story!
    I think I own the same hair dyer - ha ha!

  7. Loved the cartoons especially in the beginning.


  8. Oh my-good for her that she gets nil. I am unsure I would want to see him naked. How do those young twits who marry old buggers with tons of money do it?

  9. Delores - I thought I needed to lighten the mood around here.

    Yvonne - I also like happy endings!

    Alex - Come on, you're a ninja! You can walk around anyway you like, Alex!

    Joanne - I'm not sure if that's good or bad!

    Jo - At least wearing a towel around the locker room is a step in the right direction.

    Debra - I only know that I wouldn't want to be around when it happened. Aside from that, the guys in the cartoon had a lot going for them!

    Dixie - It might be true for another couple. We don't belong to a gym, but we're foul weather mall walkers.

    Yvonne - That cartoon really cracked me up too!


  10. Daisy - I thought I needed a happy ending for a change!

    Birgit - Beats me! In the end, it showed that they really did love each other.


  11. Love the cartoon.


  12. Joanne - Thank you, Joanne!

    Sunni - I smiled as soon as I saw it!


  13. Hi Julie - amazing cartoon .. and I love your running commentary taking us along with you .. the cartoon of old men with tons of grey hair .. grey fuzzy eyebrows ... so clever and blow-drying all areas ... just lovely to read ... lots of smiling going on here - cheers Hilary

  14. OMG - Julie how do you come up with these. Well done. Could you imagine women standing around naked and chatting about anything? Great story to follow that hilarious cartoon.

  15. Wait. You mean ear hair ISN'T supposed to run wild? What are your feelings on nose hair, then? I could rig a ship with mine.
    Yes. I'm THAT attractive.

  16. I think we're gonna need a bonfire of the vanities to rid that image from my mind. :)

  17. Hilary - Oh, Hilary you always go out of your way to be so nice. I know this wasn't "just lovely to read," but at least I didn't kill anybody off this time. Thanks Hilary!

    Rhonda - Years ago I remember seeing a few women chatting with various body parts bouncing around in the locker room. Meanwhile, I only came in to change my shoes. Some people are very comfortable in their own skin, regardless of how they look. Maybe it's not such a bad thing.. Thanks Rhonda!

    Al - You can "rig a ship" with your nose hair? Perhaps, a nose hair clipper should be rushed over immediately for an early Father's Day present. It's really something that the whole family will enjoy.

    Luanne - Just keep telling yourself "It's only a cartoon," and you'll be fine! Good one, Luanne!


  18. Happy ending - I'm glad they steered away from the divorce, but that's quite an uncomfortable game show to find yourself on!

  19. I do love the happy ending. Manscaping? Not so much. Thank goodness I don't naturally look like a yeti.

    When I used to work in an office, though, they had a company gym... and the elderly CEO was always in the locker room. Buck naked. And always wanted to talk to me while naked. It was awful. They didn't pay me nearly enough to endure that.

  20. That was a strange scenario. I've never much liked locker rooms. I'm not even sure I'd want to be in a women's locker room, but I'd want to take a look around to make sure about that one.

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Tossing It Out

  21. Nick - "Uncomfortable" is putting it mildly, though it didn't seem to bother him before he was on camera.

    B & B - Wasn't one of George Costanza's alter egos Buck Naked? It must have been terribly awkward having to face him again in the office. I hope that you're holding up okay.
    Thanks B & B!

    Lee - I'm sure you wouldn't mind having a glimpse at the women's locker room. Of course, you'd never overstay your welcome! I can't believe we're nearing the end of A to Z! It's been another great year, and I can't thank you enough, Lee!


  22. LOL I love LG's comment. I second that.
    I cracked up at the host interjection about the show being on cable. Another cute story, Julie.

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